Ask Azula
by The Real Ty-Lee
Summary: Next chapter up! Sorry for the long delay!
1. Chapter 1

_The set resembles Teletubby Land, without the freakish baby sun but with significantly more flowers and cute bunny rabbits. There are strings of heart lights draped around a peace sign patterned inflatable chair on which Azula is sitting._

AZULA: _picking confetti out of hair_ Greetings, inferiors. Welcome to the first-ever episode of "Ask Azula", the only show that allows me to remedy your pathetic problems and graciously answer your insipid questions. Before we get started, let me answer a question that is probably plaguing you right now: **what is the deal with this set? **

_Ty Lee giggles as she plays with a balloon _

AZULA: As you probably guessed, I foolishly left set design up to Ty Lee. I originally wanted a velvet sofa and crimson drapery---I am partial to the old Victorian style---but according to Ty Lee the sale going on at Limited Too was far too good to pass up. Yes, I am infuriated by the set, but Ty Lee gave me the idea for this whole thing, therefore I shall give her 48 hours to change it before I kill her goldfish.

Mai drags in the mailbag with great difficulty, as there is a rabbit attached to her arm and blood is spurting everywhere.

MAI: I'm so tired… and one of those stupid rabbits won't get its teeth out of my arm…

AZULA: Dear, dear. Always thinking of yourself, aren't you Mai? Oh BOO HOO. Anyways, let's see the first letter!

**Dear Azula: Why do you wear those pads? Are they decorative?**

**Sincerely, Just Curious**

_**Dear Just Curious: What gave you the impression that I wear pads? I prefer tampons, considering I hardly ever----**_

MAI: I think "Just Curious" is referring to those shoulder pads on your uniform that don't seem to serve much of a purpose expect conceal the fact that you have boobs.

……_**.I was aware of that, Mai. I was being humorous. Haha. As for your question, Curious, these pads do serve a purpose. They make people wonder why I wear them! When I'm fighting someone in like 100+ degree weather, they look at my uniform and wonder why in God's name I'm so heavily dressed, and as they mull this over, I make a London Broil out of them. Pretty simple, eh? Well, apparently not to you. **_

_**NEXT LETTER!**_

**Dear Azula: There are several fanfics and Livejournal communities that claim that you and Admiral Zhao are pursuing a relationship. The same is true with other communities that have you paired with Sokka, Mai, Ty Lee, and even Zuko! Are any of these true???**

**Sincerely, Freaking Out**

_**Dear Freaking Out: **_

_**I, too, am freaking out, not only at the level of stupidity I am dealing with, but also at the fact that there are people out there who actually believe that I am the type of person who values relationships. **_

_**Zhao/Me? Zhao and I were friendly acquaintances, united in our hatred of Zuko, until he let the "Blue Spirit" make off with the Avatar. Then I burned all of his merit badges and that was the end of that. Why would I associate with an incompetent man who resembles a moderately evolved ape? Another point that these "shippers" fail to see is that if I wished to pursue a relationship with Zhao, as of now I'd have to do so in a submarine. **_

_**Ty Lee or Mai/ Me? I see just because I spent a couple days in a tank train with these two, that must mean I must be playing with them! Let me clarify something: I DO NOT EVEN PLAY SO MUCH AS A GAME OF PAI SHO WITH THEM. Please! I am not attracted to Ty, and drop all this "opposites attract" dung. She's too damn nice. She probably bids her crap farewell as she flushes it! ( you give me a bad mental image, you get one back) As for Mai, she's got a crush on Zuko! I may be related to him, but that does not mean I am a substitute! Plus, it's unwise to arouse a girl who has spring-loaded gun things strapped to her wrists and ankles. **_

_**Sokka/Me? Why don't I like him? Hmmm… he's from the Water Tribe, he's a peasant, his bag matches his belt… if you can't figure out why I'm not attracted, I am truly at a loss for what to say.**_

_**Zuko/Me? Whoever thought up this idiocy will pay. When I read this, I just about wet myself, and considering I watch executions for light amusement, that's pretty bad. **_

_**In conclusion, I am paired with no one. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. One more thing, I believe that there were several panels of "shipping" involving me at some sadistic ritual called "Comic Con". All were preposterous, do not believe them. (I did, however, enjoy the sneak peek trailer. There was some pretty sweet footage of me firebending.)**_

_**NEXT LETTER!**_

**Dear Azula: Why don't you show up in more episodes? You're awesome.**

**Sincerely, A. Fan **

_**Well, A. Fan, I appreciate your admiration---even though I AM entitled to it--- and would like to offer this as an answer. **_

_**You see the Avatar and his friend-things in practically every episode, right? And you're used to them, right? Well, there's little mystery to them. You constantly see them. Now, when they announced that Zuko was actually going to get a full episode to himself, people were going insane, although I cannot see why. The characters that are mysterious and are in less episodes are the most memorable and beloved, and so naturally I'm one of them. **_

_**I'm starting to enjoy these letters. **_

_**NEXT LETTER!**_

**Dear Azula: How long should I cook my ramen noodles? The package doesn't say.**

**Sincerely, Hungry**

_**Dear Hungry: Are you mentally challenged? You wasted 35 cents on postage and, judging by the stamping, you have been waiting a WEEK for me to tell you how long to cook a package of noodles. **_

_**Well, now I'm going to tell you.**_

_**Azula's Really Good Ramen Noodles**_

_**Boil some water in a big cauldron. If you stick your hand into the pot and your flesh is seared off, the water is hot enough. Next, throw in your noodles and some salt (the tears of a tortured captive may be used as a substitute for salt). Wait five minutes, then test the noodles by draping them on your stupid head and melting your scalp and screaming, "I'm an idiot!" When they finally cool, toss lightly with some oil and sesame seeds (I am partial to soy sauce) and enjoy. **_

_**Got that? Make sure you follow the directions EXACTLY, now!**_

_**NEXT LETTER!**_

**Dear Azula: Why are you so psychopathic?**

**Sincerely, Wondering**

_**Dear Loser, why are you so stupid?**_

_**NEXT LETTER!**_

**Dear Azula: How do you manage to keep your hair slicked up in a perfect bun every day?? It's amazing! Even after you beat someone's butt, your hair is still flawless!**

**Sincerely, Bad Hair Day**

_**Dear BHD, You wouldn't believe how many times I'm asked that. My secret to having perfect hair is that my hair is full of evil. Evil defies the norm, and if one's hair is full of evil, it allows your hair to defy gravity and assume all kinds of unusual hairstyles. Go become evil, and you'll have hair like mine in no time. Well, not really. **_

AZULA: Well, that's it for today's letters. Now it's time for "Entertainment with Mai". Mai will be performing an interpretive dance meant to illustrate her misery.

_Ty Lee plays the kazoo, and Mai does a dance that resembles the death throes of a dying fish._

This has been another episode of "Ask Azula". Farewell, inferiors!


	2. Chapter 2

The scenery is just as Azula wanted it to be: red, black, nice and menacing. The princess sits on a bejeweled throne, the mail sack beside her. Ty Lee and Mai sit by at her feet.

AZULA: Greetings commoners! Due to the well-deserved accolades I received regarding last week's show, I'm doing another. As you can see, the set is finally what I want it to be. Beats the hell out of Ty Lee's acid-induced Teletubby design from last time.

TY LEE: _Sniffing. _I really liked the multi-colored glass heart lights…but Azula made me eat them…

AZULA: _Holds up another string of lights, grinning at her dangerously._

TY LEE: …And they were delicious. Thank you, Azula!

AZULA: Anytime, Ty. Anyways, let's get going. These pathetic letters won't read themselves.

**_Dear Azula, Why do you always talk about how much of a loser your brother is, and yet, he has a mob of fangirls after him and hundreds of fanfics written for him, and many episodes for him, while all you have is a city full of brain-washed losers?  
Sincerely, Strix Moonwing_**

**Dear Moon-thing, how in the heck is having a mob of overweight anime dork-ettes after you _better_ than having an entire city of brain-washable people under your control AS WELL as having the means to brainwash them into obedience?**

**Oh, and about the fanfics… I read a couple of these Zuko-related fanfics, and I can confidently state that they are pieces of literature best reserved for idiots. Makes sense why Zuko stars in about 99.9787969880 of them. **

**This stuff should've been OBVIOUS in my opinion, but then again, that's why I'm the one who single-handedly overthrew the Earth Kingdom government and you're the one with a name that rhymes with "stick".**

**NEXT LETTER!**

**Dear Azula, why are you friends with Ty Lee. I can understand why you're friends with Mai (you're kinda alike), but Ty Lee? You're, like, total opposites!**

_**Sincerely, Wondering**_

TY LEE: Yeah really… I wonder…

AZULA: _Crams a string of lights in Ty's mouth. _Start chewing!

**Dear Wondering, I get that question a lot. It's a good question. Yes, I called your question "good". Don't read into it. Now, on to the answer. AHEM. First of all, me and Ty Lee are "friends" really only by definition. We're not very alike at all. Her favorite color is pink. My favorite color is suffering. She likes musical chairs. I like electric chairs. **

**But she's good at something I'm not, and that is the art of blocking chi. Usually I'd kill her for it, but it's more useful to have her around to do it for me. **

**And that's it. Really. Take that, Azula/Ty Lee shippers!**

**NEXT LETTER!**

_**Dear Azula, what happened to your mother?**_

_**Sincerely, Where's Ursa?**_

**Dear Where's Ursa, That's classified information until Season Three. However, that's a clever question. For that, I award you 3 trillion yen, which comes out to about 3 ½ U.S. dollars. **

**NEXT LETTER!**

_**Dear Azula, if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?**_

Sincerely, I Like Riddles 

**Dear I.L.R., first of all, you have no life if you're asking me this. Here's my answer anyway: Yes. I can hear it. I can hear everything. I can hear the shrieking terror in your soul. **

TY LEE: That sounds like Mai's poetry.

MAI: Don't you have glass to chew?

TY LEE: Ohhh, but it's shredding my stomach and throat…

**NEXT LETTER!**

_**Dear Azula, what's your favorite book? I like Harry Potter.**_

_**Sincerely, Bookworm.**_

**Dear Bookworm, I like books too, but not for the same reason. See, I don't go looking for fantasy worlds to dive into—my life is pretty sweet as it is—and so I read mostly non-fiction. But I don't really read. I stare at the books until they give me the information that I want. **

AZULA: Well, I'm sick of these darn letters. That's enough for one day.

TY LEE: Internal bleeding…

MAI: Azula, please hand me the phone. I've gotta call 911 now.

AZULA: What do I look like, your servant? Anyway, that's it! Farewell!


	3. Chapter 3

Set is the same as last time, but with a slight twist—there is an orchestra pit near Azula's chair. Ty Lee and Mai are sitting nearby, fanning the princess with palm leaves.

AZULA: Why, hello, inferiors! Welcome back to another episode of "Ask Azula". This intro is getting boring, so I hired a band to do a theme song.

Chong, Lily, and the rest of the hippies are all sitting with their instruments, being forced to play at gunpoint.

AZULA: Well, I didn't technically hire them. Slaves have to be bought. Play my song, hippies!

They play a rather good, jazzy, upbeat tune.

AZULA: Hmmm! Good! Very "Ask Azula-ish".

TY LEE: Can they play the trombone??? Huh?? Can they???

AZULA: Keep it up, and they'll play your funeral mass too. Mai, fetch me some letters!

**Dear Azula,  
Were you ever annoyed when people referred to you as Zula? Oh, and would you please stop acting so psychotic, you're giving my little sister, who is annoyingly similar to you, too many ideas!!  
Sincerely, Kitty Demon  
ps. the Zuko fan mob is coming for you, I shall be among them and I shall rip every hair out of your head and then force you to watch barney and do calculus.**

_**Dear Kitty Demon,**_

_**Yes, I was rather annoyed by people messing up my name, but a few lawsuits cleared that right up. **_

_**No, I will not stop being psychotic. I do, however, find it charming that your sister emulates me so much. She'll never top me, though. No sir. **_

_**I took down the Dai Li like a sneeze. Taking down the Zuko Fan Mob shouldn't require any more effort than is needed for me to use the bathroom. **_

_**I took Calculus already and passed it with an AA, which is one letter grade higher than an A. Beat that. (If you're having trouble with calculus, write my name in the blanks on your tests. You will score over 123 percent.)**_

TY LEE: Most people don't know that "Zula" was Azula's cute little nickname as a baby… Firelord Ozai called her that. So CUTE!

AZULA: You must enjoy pain. _Hits her with a trombone._Heh… hit her with a trombone…how appropriate.

NEXT LETTER!!!

**Dear Azula,**

Do you have any "feelings" besides anger, rage, triumph, etc.?  
And are you aware that after you failed to bring your brother back home to the Fire Nation (The Avatar State), Momo spraypainted 'Zuko wuz hea' on the side of your ship?  
And are you aware that your name spelled backwards is 'Aluza' as in 'a looser'? (Someone told me this, as I am too dim-witted coughyeahright and nonobservant to notice things like these.)  
P.S. Lurves the hair.  
Oh-so-sincerely, Avatarwolf  
(And it would really boost your status if you got a cape and maniacal laugh. XD)

_**Dear Avatarwolf,**_

_**Feelings besides anger, rage, triumph? Yes, actually. I also feel amazement, mainly when I'm reading stupid letters like this. It's a shame that I never cry, because my tears can cure cancer. **_

_**Momo spray-painted that? Heh. A freakin' lemur can spell, but Zuko can't manage to see through my lies. **_

_**Your name backwards is Flow- Rat- Ava. Sounds pretty sick. You actually have the properly spelled words "Flow" and "Rat" in your name, whereas mine is a bogus mispronunciation. **_

_**Thank you for the compliment. 0 I like my hair too. I would say that I "love" it, but I am not capable of love. **_

_**Cape and maniacal laugh? Who needs them when you've got pointy boots? I'm not about to take popularity advice from a girl whose username backwards brings to mind a rat taking a pee. **_

_**I believe I just pwned you. BURN!**_

**NEXT LETTER!**

**Dear Witch that has a name that rhymes with "Hula",  
Why are you calling Zuko's fics bad? Have you ever read the fics people write about you?!  
Sincerely, Strix Moonwing**

_**Dear Stick,**_

_**Oh dear Agni. Not you again. Sheesh, do you enjoy the sight of your typing or something? Oh, and I have certainly read fics that people have written about me. (See episode 1 of Ask Azula) I could manure a lawn with them, or rather, have my slaves do so. Zuko's fics are awful, and so are mine. His just suck by about 0.998 percent more. **_

_**PS: My name does rhyme with "Hula". And I can hula dance nicely. I'm sure you could too if I lit you on fire. **_

**NEXT LETTER!**

**Dear Azula, do you have a crush on anyone? And don't lie!**

**Sincerely, Nosy**

_**Dear Nosy, you ARE nosy! About your question….**_

…

…

…

…_**Yes. Yes, I do have a crush on someone. **_

_**I was passing by this mirror, and in it I saw this girl… with gold eyes… and perfect hair up in a bun… wearing clothes just like me… and I was so captivated I couldn't look away. Siiigh….**_

MAI: Ohh, that's how I feel whenever Zuko walks by.

AZULA: Really? Oh, how romantic.

MAI: Yeah…

AZULA: _Hits her with an oboe. _

**NEXT LETTER!**

**Dear Azula, my mom is being so unfair! What should I do??**

**Sincerely, Mad**

_**Dear Mad, you can just do what I did to my mom when she got on my nerves. All you have to do is ::::STATIC ELECTRICITY:::::**_

_**Due to an electrical failure, the show will have to end early. **_


	4. Chapter 4

_Azula is in a hot tub, drinking a martini. _

MAI: _hauling in the letters. _Sorry to disturb you, princess, but there are a lot of these letters.

TY LEE: Yeah, and they're mean, hurtful letters!

AZULA: Nothing a loaded gun can't resolve. Pass 'em over, Ty!

Dear Azula,  
You said you don't love anyone, but if you're going to be Fire Lady, don't you need some heirs?  
Sincerely, aniek90

_**Dear Aniek90,**_

_**It's true that I don't love anyone—as is usually the case when your heart is a twisted black hole—but I do acknowledge that I need heirs eventually. I tried hooking up with Satan, but unfortunately he's pretty busy now. You'd be shocked at how hectic life can be when you're the Anti-Christ. I'll find someone worthy of me someday and have my very own evil daughter. What do you think my father did? **_

**NEXT LETTER!**

Dear Miss Hot Head,

Why, yes, I do enjoy the sight of my typing, which is so pure and in place...which is the opposite of I feel for your face, which has one hair out of place. You should listen to those old women that follow you around. Who are they anyway? Are they your babysitters? Or, better yet, you're anger management teachers? Send them my regards and pity if they are.  
PS: Yes, I'm sure you dance quite nicely when your hitting the cactus juice.  
Most Sincerely, Strix Moonwing

_Dear Stick, _

_---Sure, your typing is fine. How many times did you have to send it through Spell Check?_

_---Those two old ladies were ESCORTS. If you ever bothered to open a book once in a while, you'd know that in high society, having a young lady alone on a ship with men is extremely improper, especially if she is a beloved political figure such as myself. Plus, they talk in unison and in rhyme. Perfect for freaking crewmembers out on those long, boring nights._

_---I do not do cactus juice. I take it you read the National Inquirer?_

NEXT LETTER!

A letter for Azula:

Dear Ugly Sucky Toddler Who Sucks Even More Than Zuko:

You killed her. You just had to kill Ursa. Zuko is gonna kill you when he hears this...and this may be detrimental to your alliance with Zuko. How does it feel to fail? You didn't capture the Avatar, did you? HAHAHAHAHAH? You are aluza (your name-backwards). And have you read a fanfic by an author called "Defend It."? It includes "Azula" in its name. What is in it, you may ask? A surprise. And by the way...when you saw the person near the mirror that you admired...you saw the person IN the mirror. She was YOUR reflection! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ...and was the electrical failure your fault?  
HAHA!!  
Anyways, just answer with your opinion on the fic I mentioned.

Sincerly, with planet-loads of hatred, and ideas to annoy you to hell, Dr. Nitro the Element Emperor.

P.S.: I have so much power I can destroy you in any contest.

P.S.S.: Your fire-nation tech, and fire-bending pales in comparison to my empire's strength.

P.S.S.S.: Have a nice date with Sokka.

P.S.S.S.S.: I said the last note because of a card you sent me. I even have proof! I mailed the card you sent with the letter! Just look. HAHAHAHA.

_Dear Dr. Nitro the Element Emperor,_

_Woah! Forget what I said about Strix Moonwing liking to see her own typing—you take the arsenic-laced cake there, pal. _

_---Never said I killed Mommy. Don't assume. When you ASSUME, it makes an A-S-S out of U and M-E. Actually, just you. _

_---Yeah, it may be detrimental to my alliance…for five seconds. The second Zuko gets all mad, I'll just wibble and say "Oh, I'm so sowwie, pwease forgive me!" The idiot will forgive me and all be forgotten. You forget, the kid turned in his UNCLE in exchange for my pack of lies. _

_---Fail? How does it feel to fail? Sure, I didn't capture the Avatar, but I did what the Fire Nation army couldn't do in 100 years. I now control the largest city in the world with the full support of the Dai Li. I'm telling you, that sort of stuff looks awesome on a college application. Ah, but I'm sure you wouldn't know much about college. _

_---You cannot destroy me in any contest. I have so much power, I'll just stare at you until you explode. _

_---Your empire's strength? What empire? Judging by your username, it sounds like you own a discount firework emporium! _

_---I am not dating Sokka. I did have a brief relationship with Hannibal Lecter, but we split on amiable terms. Every now and again we play poker. _

_---I don't send cards. I use AIM, like every other twisted freak in the country. _

Dear Azula,

You didn't seem too insane as a little kid. I think I even saw you playing with Zuko, once. Why are you so evil now? Are you emotionally disturbed?

-Random

P.S Tell The Real Ty-Lee that I really like her story.

_Dear Random, _

_It's true—I was slightly less sadistic as a child. Playing with Zuko was rather fun. We'd play all of my favorite games, like, "Rub Deodorant Across Zuko's Tongue", "Rip Off the Butterfly's Wings", and "Drown the Mice in the Washing Machine." _

_Ah. To be young. _

_Evil comes with age, Random. It's always there, but it must be nurtured. I thank my father for helping me discover my true evil potential. _

_Oh, and I asked a psychologist if I was disturbed (at gunpoint) and he said I was fine. Thanks for your concern. _

_PS: The Real Ty-Lee (the girl who transcribes these episodes) is delighted to know that you enjoy the show. But she just types it down. Why don't you thank me, you ingrate?_

Dear Azula,  
What do you think of Azutara? (Azula/Katara)  
Sincerely, Yuri Lover.

_Dear Yuri-Lover,_

_I would love Katara… to be strung up by her ridiculous hair loops. So there's your answer._

_I do, however, love the Zutara pairing. Hahaha! Revenge!! Zuko forced to breed with Queen Penniless herself!_

_Yes, I am a DIEHARD Zutara shipper! Hahaha!_

Dear Azula,

Just for the record, I hate your guts. But you are pretty kewl for a bad guy-lady-THING.   
Flow-Rat-Ava? Thank you, that shall be my new 'signing off' name. I hope you're happy. (I know I sure am!) But then again, can you GET happy?  
Oh, so you can hear everything, huh? Can you hear your brother making out with Mai in the closet? I'd be thoroughly disgusted, but you can't feel that can you?  
... Do you think you can survive in the world without servants and threatening to kill people because they don't do what you ask? Or asking Fire Lord Ozai to threaten their lives? Or anything like that?  
P.S. The moves on the drill- pwnsome.  
From, The Brizlack Flow-Rat-Ava  
(You should eat applesauce when you get extremely angry past the point of no return. Or when you get thirsty. It's very thirst quenching. And addictive. You might like it. It might be you secret 'coping mechanism'. But then again, why take advice from ME- a lowly halfbreed wench-lady-chick?)

_Dear Flow Rat, _

_---I can feel disgust. I feel it every time I read these insipid letters._

_---OF COURSE I can survive without servants and threats. If neither of things worked, I'd just start killing people for real. _

_---Thank you, I was pleased with my moves on the drill. Then again, who isn't?_

_---My secret coping mechanism is launching animals to their death with the help of a trebuchet. _

NEXT LETTER!

Azula-  
Have you ever met my friend? Did you get tactics from her? Or did you electrify her to become as evil as you? Quite frankly, she's kinda scaring me.  
Sincerely,  
Danyan

Dear Dan,

I am not certain if I have met your friend. However, I am certain that if I did, she is certainly imitating ME. Not the other way around. If she scares you, don't ever meet me face to face. You might pee on yourself.

AZULA: Fetch me a Coke, Ty Lee! That's enough letters for one day. A COKE, not a PEPSI! A COKE!! I don't care if Pepsi is for "those who think young!" I'M IMMORTAL AND I WANT MY COKE!!!


	5. Chapter 5

!!!!!!Author Note: Heehee. You guys sure don't like Azula very much! But please remember that this is ASK Azula, not curse at her like you're a regular visitor of a gutter-mouth convention. Feel free to insult her, as this is terribly amusing, but be aware that from this point forward I'm not accepting any questions that have strong swear words or are really long. Hell and damn and suck and etc. are alright in moderation, but not long sentences filled with explicits that serve no real purpose.

One more thing, sometimes I edit the question—never for basic content—but grammar and structure. I like it all to be uniform.

Zapper9, thank you for your nice-ness. And I understand that the letters need more variation. I'll work on it.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Dear Azula,

Can you help torture my brother? He's a wannabe 'Firebender'. Personally I think he disgraces the Fire Nation with his sloppy combat style. He has the temper though.  
And did it ever occur to you that your father might, in fact, just be USING you?

P.S. Momo says hi. And he says Zutara rocks.

Sincerely, Flow-Rat-Ava

(Did your mother drop you on your head when you were a baby? Why don't YOU sleep "just like mother"?)

_**Dear Flow-Rat, (Heh. That never gets old.)**_

_**---I'm sorry. As much as I'd enjoy torturing your brother, my schedule o' torment is booked solid right now. Running an empire can really wear you down. Again, I apologize. I especially enjoy taking down wannabe Firebenders, and it's a shame that I simply don't have time. **_

_---Oh, and it HAS occurred to me that father may be using me. It's not verified, though. Oh hell, I'll just assassinate him later just to be on the safe side. _

_**---Tell Momo I said hi back, and that I'm sending him the bill for the paint removal on my ship. And Zutara does rock. **_

**_---I can't sleep like mother. I don't sleep. I wait._ **

Dear Azula,  
Have you ever heard of a man named Voldemort? I think you might be interested in him, since he's also got the whole 'enslave humanity' plan going on.  
Also, where can I pick up an application to join your minions? I'd love to be a part of your awesome Bending Squad. And if you ever capture the Avatar, I'd be more than happy to look after him for you...  
Sincerely,  
Invaderk

_**Dear Invaderk,**_

_**I have heard of Voldemort, and he is rather interesting. However, my problem with him is that it's taken the world's most evil wizard, like, a whole saga to even come close to killing some whiny kid. Are you aware that I was supposed to be cast as Voldemort? The problem was that the series only lasted for about a paragraph—when the magic failed, I just stabbed the kid. End of story. Makes for a boring book. **_

_**So you'd like to join my squad? Hmm! I guess we'll be Ozai's Angels Plus Some Other Azula Fan as a Stunt Double. Haha, kidding. Well, not really. If you're interested, though, visit my website for an application. **_

**Dear Azula, my sister would like to say that it would not have taken her or her hypothetical kingdom 100 years to conquer a city, even one like ba sing sei. She claims the infiltration of the city was obvious and she resents you even thinking that she wouldn't be able to completely beat you into the ground.  
I on the other hand would like to mention that you never actually defeated the dai lee, you manipulated their leader and manipulated them into following you, but you enver actually fought and beat them.  
also, in the past you have been beaten by at least sheer numbers and the zuko fan mob consists of a lot of people, including the mary sues and the ocs that the people have created. you might be able to take out the sues but you can't defeat all the ocs who all have at least one trick up their sleeves  
sincerely  
kitty demon  
ps  
I will take great pleasure in tearing out every strand of your hair, donating it to locks of love and then forcing you to watch barney, teletubbies and the corniest sappiest romance movies I can find as well as all movies featured on movie science theater without the commentary.**

**Sincerely, KittyDemon18**

_**Dear Kitty, **_

_**---Keyword here is "hypothetical". Get a real kingdom and an army and out-do me, why don't you? Oh, and if it was MY kingdom it wouldn't have taken 100 years—is it really MY fault that I wasn't ALIVE for most of that 100? **_

_**---Aw… you resent me thinking that I wouldn't get beat by you? I resent the fact that you think I give a flying frog-donkey what you think. **_

_**---Why the heck would I want to fight when I can just waltz in and scare people? C'mon, people, let's use logic. **_

_**---Puh-leeze. All you need to do to defeat the Sues is hide their curling irons. As for the oc's…if they're anything like the winners of the Nick Mag's Character Design Contest, then I sure as heck ain't scared. **_

_---Touch me and I will make YOU listen to the Spice Girls until you are reduced to a cup of quivering yellow custard. Hmm… the Spice Girls… never mind, I won't make you listen to them. Nobody deserves THAT._

Dear Princess Azula,

Do you like toast? I was just wondering. Also, what's your favorite animals? Oh, are you an Oprah fan? Do you have a wii, PS3, Xbox 360, or all? You're also one of my FAVORITE characters!!

Sincerely, StarDragon411 

_**Dear Star, **_

_**You're the first to start your letter with "Dear PRINCESS Azula." How charming—are you from the Fire Nation? You must be; you have "dragon" in your username. And how old are you? I know for a fact that I have a large fanclub made up mostly of little ones…I love receiving their mail…**_

_**---I do like toast! It's so lovely with finely chopped captive!**_

_**---My favorite animal is roadkill. But dragons are my favorite LIVING animal. **_

_**---I don't have time to watch Oprah. I have to run this show.**_

_**---I own all of those gaming systems, as well as their obscenely expensive upgraded versions: the Wiiiiiiii, the PS9934322, and the Xbox360 1/4 .**_

_**---I'm one of your favorite characters? Oh, how sweet! 3**_

_**Tell your fanclub that I said hi! Ah, my little fankids make me so happy. **_

**Dear powerless inbred freak of nature who hates the color black but loves pink,  
**

**I hate you. Also I think that people would throw a party if you died sorry make that when I rip off your arms and beat you to death with them. You drink Coke and not Dr.pepper then you are a freak I would stop hating you if you loved Dr.pepper cause it is the master of all and you are not. So ha bad bye loser.**

Sincerely, The awesome ninja pirate who rules all and loves Dr.pepper, Sakura

_**Dear Sakura,**_

_**Thanks. Just when a little fankid makes my day, I get a letter like this. **_

_**---People probably would throw a party if I died. Then I'd kill them in their dreams.**_

_**---I actually do love Dr. Pepper, more than Coke, too. **_

_**---Good luck being a… what is it again…? Oh yes, "an awesome ninja pirate who rules all and loves Dr.pepper."**_

**Dear Ugly Sucky Toddler…. Etc., **

**Note: Letter is too long and/or pathetically hilarious to post.**

_Dear Nitro, have you considered being a comedian? You sure make me laugh. On your days off, when you're not running your fireworks store, you should seriously consider being my court jester. Just imagine the excitement—performing jokes for me at gunpoint. _

_**Love from your bestest friend, Azula. **_

**Dear Miss Hot Head,**

**First off, there is no spell check on the review box, so my perfect typing just comes nature. So they're your escorts, uh? I still feel pity for them to have to follow you around and listen to your whining. Why don't you just do them and the world a favor and jump off a ship? I'm sure you'll do a great job convincing the tides to not smash you into the cliffs. By the way, do you have any imagination at all? Really, naming a city after the Fire Lord? Nothing says 'suck up brat,' more than that.  
Most sincerely,  
Strix Moonwing**

_**Dear Stick,**_

_**---Perfect typing comes second nature to you, world domination comes second nature to me. Everybody's different. **_

_**---Sure, Lo and Li get to hear my whining, but take a look at what they get paid per year for sticking with me. We're talking well over 100,000 dollars. If I jump off the ship, they suddenly don't get paid. **_

_**---It's not sucking up. It's a deal. I name the city after Daddy, then I get a raise on my allowance. **_

Dear Azula,  
I was wondering if you would date me? I help plan assassinations, am an awesome swordsman and love evil. I even killed my entire family. If Aang decided he wanted to join the Fire Nation side what would you do? Finally, I have heard some rumors that he and you are secretly engaged, can you confirm or disaffirm these rumors?  
Very Sincerely,  
White Destroyer

_Dear Destroyer,_

_Mmmm, I like the sound of you. If I had a heart, it would be going BOOM BOOM! But to date me, you must get father's permission. Ask him first. _

_Oh, and if the Avatar joined MY side (not likely) I'd get him to wipe out the rest of humanity, then shoot him. How's that for a plot twist?_

_WE ARE NOT ENGAGED. _

_I'd date you, as long as you don't put your hand on my booty on our first date. I really do hate having to scalp people when they do that. _

_Love, Azula_

Dear All Powerful Azula,  
Did you know there are some diehard Azula fans like me for example?  
And agree your brother stinks  
And I love your hair how hard is it to style?  
Your Die Hard Fan,  
Wheaton07

_Dear Wheatie,_

_--I am well aware that I have diehard fans—remember the letter I got from that cute little fankid? So cute…_

_--Heh. I think Zuko stinks too. Like ostrich-horse. And stupid. Pass the air freshener. _

_--Thanks. I love my hair—but it's not hard to style, because I had my hair cut specially for the hairstyle. My hair looks neat down—if White Destroyer pleases me enough, he may see this in person._

_So happy to please a fan!_

Dear Azula,  
Ty Lee is soo happy all the time! It is this hyper-active, get-high-off-of-breathing attitude that makes me sick to my stomach. How do you deal with such raw, unbridled emotion?  
From the eternal darkness  
DarkRose  
P.S. How do you put up with her blatant stupidity? Why haven't you fired her out of a cannon yet?

_Dear Rose,_

_Ty Lee truly is perky. With a capital P. And E. And R-K-Y. She makes the Care Bears look like Mai. It can get to you, it really can. That's why, to protect myself, I take daily doses of Dammitall. (Pronounced: Damn it all) It's a medication proven to reduce the risk of insanity due to a H.C.O. (Hyper-Cheer Overdose)_

_Oh, and I HAVE blasted her out of a cannon. Remember "Return to Omashu"? They didn't let you see the rest of Ty Lee's circus performance. She survived the fire and animals, but still said NO to me, so requested another stunt to the ringmaster. Ty Lee was blasted from a cannon and right through an Oldsmobile. The next step would've been a Hummer. _

Dear Azula,

What do you do in your spare time? Do you have some kind of hobby, like stamp collecting or filming reality shows, or maybe even sing, or do you just sit and brood over the next evil thing you'll do?

Crapfully yours,  
Xintendation 360

_Dear 360,_

_In my spare time, I do a lot of things. I may be an evil princess, but in many ways I am a normal teenage girl. _

_---I love collecting these trading cards—you wouldn't know about them because you're not from the Fire Nation—that have pictures of the Navy's high-ranking officers. Some of them are extremely hot. _

_---I love shopping with Ty Lee and Mai. They carry my bags. _

_---I love singing and do it quite nicely. I even put out a CD. I go under the stage name, Grey DeLisle. _

_(Author note: It's true, the girl who does the voice of Azula is a singer—go to and type in Grey DeLisle. Listen to the sound clips. It's creepy—Azula can sing gothic country!)_

_---I love brooding most of all. It freaks people out, especially while I'm in a public place, grinding an axe at a whetstone. _

Azula,

I am about to start on Naruto Avater crossover, and I was thinking of pairing you with Kankurou. Now I know what you may think, but I think you to were made for each other: there's the make-up you both have on, you both hate your brother, you both sadistic, Kankurou maybe a little more because of the larger body count he has, and the liquefing jutsus he does with Kurouri is somthing I know you love. So what do you think, a little Kanula action?  
This part is for Ty Lee only

Ps: I would like to pair you with Sai, because well, YOU BOTH HAVE BELLY SHIRTS!

_Dear Cat-eater,_

_Go ahead and pair me—but DO NOT do it distastefully and DO NOT, under any circumstances, post the story in the Fire Nation branch of (Fanfiction.fn). If you do, you'll most certainly be arrested under charges of indecent depiction of royalty. _

_Oh, and Ty Lee squealed when she read the letter. Go ahead and pair her. _

Dear Azula,  
Does it bother you to be heir presumptive? Does it bother you that Ursa seemed to favor your brother? Does it bother you that Uncle does the same thing? Does it bother you to wear such thick clothings (I mean you must be burning deep inside)? Does it bother you, that Ozai--your- father, is only using you as a tool to defeat the Avatar? And you really should go out with Sokka. Or even Jet! Or if you go for that sort of thing, Zhao. I love you by the way--but seriously, do you think your family loves you?  
Forlorn Maiden

_Dear Forlorn,_

_All those things don't bother me. I figure if something bothers you in your life, you need to do something about it. In my case, this involves beatings. _

_My clothes don't bother me—I was raised in the Fire Nation heat and get cold very easily. _

_I would consider dating Zhao, but he is unfortunately feeding the worms—er, fish. _

_My family doesn't care about me—which is appropriate because I don't care about them. _

_How sweet of you to say you love me. Don't we all?_

AZULA: Hasta la pasta, until next time!


	6. Chapter 6

Author Note: If you're wondering where Ty Lee and Mai went… eh… I got lazy last chapter. Don't worry, they're back.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Today, the set is in front of a roaring fireplace. No, literally. It's roaring. That's because Azula is burning some lion-pigs alive—she's in the mood for a BBQ.

AZULA: Pass me the BBQ sauce, Ty Lee, I am STARVED!

TY LEE: _nervously pokes at lion-pigs with a poker. _Ew. Azula. This lion-pig's eyes are melting… all over my pants…

AZULA: It's all part of the experience, Ty.

TY LEE: Mai, don't you think this is gross??

MAI: Well, I'm sure the ASPCA wouldn't be down with it, but… who cares? I don't.

AZULA: Shocking. Well, while the food cools, let's read some letters.

**Dear Princess Azula,  
You rock, don't ever change:) Me and my best-friend love your evilness so much, that we even push old people down just to prove it. No serously, we do. Well, good luck on capturng Aang. Becuase really, we want you to capture him. So please do so. And guess what? I'm the same age as you :) Okay nevermind. Please tell Ty Lee I said 'Hi'. I'm actually a big fan of hers, and you too. And tell Mai to... nevermind, she'll probably not care anyways and go back to her boredom instead. Okay, bye! All hail Princess Azula of the Fire Nation.  
Sincerely,  
zutaraxlove  
P.S. Do you have a picture of Zuko shirtless? If so... can I have it please? I'm gonna show it to Katara :)**

_**Dear Zutaraxlove,**_

_**--I am aware that I rock and I have no intentions to change. Why should I?**_

_**--If you like pushing old people, give Iroh a try. No, better yet, bust a teapot—he'll fall right on his ass on his own and cry. For added cruelty (this sounds like a recipe XD, it's a recipe of EVIL) look at the broken pot and say sadly, "Well, it seems that now this pot and Lu Ten have something in common. They're both cold and broken down into little pieces… although the teapot didn't scream when it died." Say that and watch his face—PRICELESS!**_

**Arsehole, Zuko-hater, Under Loved, Angry  
(See what I did there? A.Z.U.L.A)  
You are so evil! Have you met a woman named Wuya? She's so like you! Evil, Vain, Untrusworthy, A freak...I should stop now, shouldn't I? Anyway's, have you read my fanfic? Called I'm An Avatar, Get Me Out Of Here! BTW (and im bein aye serious an aw) WTF is up with ur god damn forehead! It's huge!  
Why do u hate your brother? Tell Mai that I asked if she had the new Evanescence CD (She's the sort of person that would like that) and tell Ty Lee that my aura's crystal (urs is mud coloured)  
From, Kitkat10, the hyper active Scots Lassie  
p.s GROW A FRINGE!**

_**Dear Kitkat10,**_

_**--Aw, you made an acronym with my name. Tell me, do you have ANY hobbies?**_

_**--Wuya?? No wonder she's evil—she must've been beaten on in school with a name like that.**_

_**--My forehead is normal. I blame the animators. **_

_**--I hate Zuko because he's PATHETIC. I mean, come on! Caring about the welfare of others? Freakin' baby. **_

_**--Mai does have the new CD, and has memorized the lyrics. She doesn't have any hobbies either. You two should hang out. **_

MAI: I love you too, Azula.

_**--So you're aura is crystal, huh? Well…**_

TY LEE: Really??? Who is your guru? I gotta have a session with him! Can I---

**--And I'm not growing a fringe. No one else in the Fire Nation has one… except Mai… but then, she's Mai. She's about 100 years out of style. **

**Dear Azula,  
I have asked your father and he said that he will let any man date you if he can beat 200 of his best firebenders at the same time. My match is soon, wish me luck. Recently I assasinated 3 major Earth Kingdom officials. I have developed a drug that lets you and only you control for 24 hours the actions of another person. How much you want? Hope to see you soon.  
Love, White Destroyer  
P.S. If one of Aang's friends secretly joined the Fire Nation, what would you do?**

TY LEE: Azula's got a boyfriend! Azula's got a boyfriend!

MAI: And it's not even the Apocalypse!

_**Dear Destroyer,**_

_**Yeah, that's usually the standard test that father gives out. I wish you luck! Do you want a kerchief of mine to take into battle? Ooh, better yet, how about my panties? If and when you pass the test, I'd like to look into that drug. I will take a few grams of it. **_

_**---Oh, and if the Avatar's friends joined the FN, well… whoopee. Though I WOULD be skeptical. **_

_**---(Ohhh, you called me love…)**_

MAI: Did Azula get burned by the BBQ, or is she seriously BLUSHING?

AZULA: SHUT UP NONE O' YO BEESWAX!

**Dear Azula,  
I really hate you, but I admire you at the same time. Your powerful and cruel, but I at least have a heart. But let me guess, having a heart is over-rated.  
Do you listen to music when you do physical training? If so what? I'm looking for something to get me pumped as I train.  
I love zutara too! But does it bug you that if Zuko hadn't helped you Katara would have beat you?  
Also, I think you'd like Itachi off of Naruto. He's really hot, has black hair, is super powerful, can breathe fire, and killed his whole clan. Does he sound apealing?  
To Ty lee, you and Sokka would be so cute! And How are you so bendy? Teach me!  
To Mai, did you hear some earth girl was hitting on Zuko, HARD. I Suggest kill her. (No complaining Jinuko's!) xROCKONx  
TeenAnimeOtaku**

_**Dear Otaku,**_

_**---Your guess is correct. Having a heart is indeed overrated. **_

**---I do listen to music when training! Even sadistic wannabe dictators like me listen to music—it's UNIVERSAL. My two favorite songs are "H.A.T.E." by Ashy Pimpson and "Frying peasants is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off," by Panic! Now Die. (NOTE: Both are Fire Nation bands.) But since you live in the "real" world, listen to "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". That's the best. When I hear that song, I like to strap Zuko/Iroh's picture to a haybale and kick the crap out of it. If I can't get pictures of them I just print out pictures of some faggy emo kid and Fat Albert. Same basic concept. **

**_---Sorry, sounds like me and the Destroyer are gonna be involved soon. No Itachi._**

TY LEE: HEY! She says me and Sokka are cute together! I knew it!! Oh, and to be bendy like me, exercise is best, but I was born with the ability to be a contortionist. Most people can't do it.

MAI: So, some Earth Kingdom trash is hitting on Zuko? Thanks for informing me. _Logs this into her palm pilot. _

**Dear Fire Queen Azula,**

Let me start by saying that you are the best character on the show and first on my list of favorites, right above Zuko, Katara, Toph and Aang.  
How long did it take you to plan that take-over of the Earth Kingdom? It must've taken a really long time to figure out every detail.  
How come you are the only Firebender to shoot BLUE fire instead of red? It's really cool how you do that, but why is it that way?  
The way you used your fire powers to propel yourself when fighting Aang and Katara in the crystal cavern was awesome!  
Which guy in your life do you like or respect, even if either feeling is extremely little, or even acknowledge the existence of?  
I can shoot blue flames too, in the forms of wolves, obviously by my name as you read this. If you could create any animal, besides a dragon, out of flames, what would it be?  
You rule, Azula! I'd love to kiss you, but I wouldn't want my body burnt to a crisp in your anger. Nice hair, by the way. And your eyes pierce my very soul. Again, you rule!

Sapphire Wolf Master

_**Dear Wolf,**_

**_--How genteel of you to refer to me as "Fire Queen". But Zuko is your 2nd favorite character? WTF. _**

_**--It took me approximately 11. 987890 seconds to think up the original plan, and I just went along with whatever came. Plan B was to just kill everyone, which probably would've worked. **_

_**--My fire is blue because of its intensity—it's hotter than red flame. My passion and concentration feeds it and strengthens it. High-level Firebenders can do this. This explains why my blue fire confused you—it's not like Zuko ever did that. Ever.**_

_**--Thanks for the compliment. I love blasting myself into the air. Great for Halloween—the kids piss their pants. **_

_**--Before he scarred Zuko, I always respected my father. Now I DEEPLY respect my father. **_

_**--I would create a scorpion!**_

_**--Oh, I wouldn't burn you to a crisp… can't guarantee that father wouldn't, though. He's the Overprotective Papa type.**_

TY LEE: The food is ready!

AZULA: And so am I. DINNER!

TY LEE: Shall I bake you and Destroyer a wedding cake?

AZULA: _Shoves her into fire, and she explodes._

**Dear Princess Azula,  
I was just wondering; how much do you like eggnog? I LOVE IT, do you? Do also like watching that episode where Zuko gets his scar over and over again?  
From,  
StarDragon411  
P.S. I'm not from the Fire Nation; I'm a dragon, but I'm at home in the Water Tribes. (It's just too hot over in there the Fire Nation!)  
P.S.S. I just say 'Princess Azula' because I like that:)  
P.S.S.S. Have you checked out my 'Twenty Five Ways to Annoy Your Favorite Characters?' I have Zuko, Aang, Sokka, your uncle, and...YOU  
P.S.S.S.S. Please don't kill me after you read yours.**

_**Dear Star Dragon,**_

_**--Eggnog is okay. But my favorite beverage is… and I know it doesn't sound like something I'd enjoy, but… I really love chocolate milk. STOP LAUGHING!!!**_

MAI: Haha! Do you drink it in a plastic kiddy cup with a straw?

AZULA: _stares at her until she explodes._

**--Oh, and I love Episode 12. For real. Zuko in pain, Daddy asserting his authority, Zuko in pain… that's entertainment for ya. **

**--Yeah, I read your "story". Hehehe. Have you checked out my "Twenty-Five Ways To Torture Smart-asses"? **

**Dear Azula,  
I am a dedicated fan of yours (im a fan of lots of things). Whats ur fav. ice cream? ur fav book? You should go out with Sokka. What type of torture are you gunna use on the Avatar? I suggest the guillotine! Do u like Zutara fanfics?Say hi to Mai for me!  
-arisa  
P.S.- i like Yue better.**

_**Dear Arisa,**_

_**It's nice to have dedicated fans, but it's also nice being a dedicated fan. They live substantially longer. **_

_**--My favorite ice cream is a specialty type made exclusively in the F.N. It's called "Azula-Rocks-You-Road." Mmmm, the sweet creamy taste of evil. **_

_**--My favorite book is actually a history book from the palace library. It explains my great-grandfather's (Sozin) genocide on the Air Nomads in thrilling detail. What brilliance! It makes me smile.**_

_**--I think I'll kill the Avatar by causing a statue of Gyatso to fall on him. The irony would be so thick, you could cut it with a knife. **_

_**--I do not like Zutara fanfics. I LOVE THEM. **_

_**--Mai, Arisa says hi.**_

MAI: _Is a bloody heap._ Hi.

**--Oh, so you like Yue better, huh? Figures. She's BLONDE! BUT BRUNETTES ARE BETTER!**

**Dear Princess Azula--  
Do you really hate your brother that bad? If you do, why don't you just go ahead and kill him, since you are already stronger than him anyways? But if you are too busy to do it yourself, it's okay, 'cause I can do it for a small fee.  
P.S--Why just settle for ruling over the Avatar world, when you can rule over this one, yours, and any other you find out about?  
Sincerely, Chocobo Rider Vaan.**

_**Dear Rider,**_

_**--Yes. I really do hate Zuko "that bad." Seriously, you get the chance to ask me anything, and you ask obvious stuff like this?**_

_**--Can't kill him. I can still use him. But thank you for your offer.**_

_**--SIGH. Isn't taking over one world enough? A princess needs time for hobbies!**_

**Dear Azula,  
It's hasta la vista not hasta la pasta, you retard! Anyways... this moron keeps asking me out. I've punched him like four times already and he still doesn't get the message that hate him! What should I do? Did you know that you have a large forehead? Do you prefer coffee or tea? Does Mai's monotone voice bother you? Are you happy that Zuko joined your side or are you just going to have him executed? Also, do you like watching fire?  
-ForeverCharmed109  
P.S: PLEASE don't execute Zuko or else his fangirls would kill you! I would be one of those fangirls, but I'm not one of those rabid fangirls.**

_**Dear Charmed,**_

_**--I am AWARE that it is not hasta la pasta. I was being funny. Haha. Moron. **_

_**--Punch him a fifth time. If this doesn't work, write the word "NO" across his forehead with a scalpel. **_

_**--Did you know you're fat?**_

_**--I prefer tea. In fact, I really enjoy tea. With fried peasant, it is simply divine. Like me. **_

_**--Mai's monotone, to me, is quite soothing. If I can't sleep at night (it happens) I make her read a physics textbook aloud. Puts me out like a baby. **_

_**--I am happy that Zuko joined my side SO THAT I may execute him. **_

_**--Watching fire? Uh, that's like me asking if you like watching water. Do you?**_

_**--I WILL execute Zuko, but I do anticipate a mob like you are implying. I am currently having some nice big riot hoses installed. Hee hee. **_

**Dear Azula,  
Does it bother you that some people think that Mai or Ty Lee will betray you and join Aang? What would happen; would you make a london broil out of them if they did?  
Sincerely,  
Ganthour  
p.s you're my favorite character and your brother sucks.**

_**Dear Ganthour,**_

_**Nah, not a London Broil, although that's a fabulous idea. I'd just do what everyone else does with dead people: sell them to McDonald's. At least I'd make a couple bucks and get SOMETHING out of our friendship. **_

_**Hahaha! That's really funny! I can picture it now! "Hello, I'd like to order a Big Mai with a side of Tys!" Hahahaha! HAHAHAAHAH!**_

**Princess,   
(God, that title is so frilly!)  
Aw man. My brother is getting worse, believe it or not. Oh well.  
You don't sleep? So THAT'S why your emotions are so unstable...  
My brother says your nails are ugly and your an idiot.  
But I don't think you're an idiot. That was pretty genius, taking over the Dai Li and trying to kill Aang in the Avatar State so that the Avatar cycle was broken 'n' all. Too bad you failed. I mean... YAY!  
He also says that every nail on your hands are ugly like his sweet white toes.  
But that's idiotic to say because he doesn't have WHITE toes... but they are pretty ugly.  
My bro also adds "that your nails must look just the same as your toes. I wonder that if your nails look just like your toes, it must pop out of your shoes and hurt always. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET AZULA. BECAUSE YOUR NAILS ARE SO UGLY THAT'S WHY I HATE YOU."Anyway, what would you do if you were surrounded by rabid Mary Sues, fangirls, Azula-haters, wolves, bison, and the new Justin Timberlake CD pounding in your ears?  
P.S. Wolves pwn.  
From, Flow-Rat-Ava  
(Thanks for the new name! XP)**

_**Dear Flow Rat,**_

…_**.Alriiiiiiiighty then. **_

_**Love, Azula.**_

**Dear Miss Hot Head,  
Okay, I'll skip the insults for another day and get right to the point. I have a crush on a boy, but he likes my twin sister. I know that you're incapable at feeling any emotion, beside anger and rage, but I need advice, even if its coming from an overraged-witch. Oops, was that an insult? Sorry, about that. As they say, old habits die hard. How the heck do I get him to like me.  
P.S.: Try and tell me advice that doesn't end with both my twin and my crush dead.**

_**Dear Stick,**_

_**Kill yourself. Hahaha—it's advice that didn't end with the crush or the twin dead!**_

**Dear Lady Azula,  
Thanks for the medication suggestion, I'll get my psychiatrist on that right away.  
A question for you about the "cold fire". Lightning is a harsh mistress, how long did it take you to master it? I've been at it for years and can only manage a few sparks, nothing remotely close to what you can do. Do you have any tips I could use to improve my technique?  
From the enternal Darkness  
DarkRose-**

_**Dear Rose,**_

_**Lightening is indeed a harsh mistress. Father continued to have me tutored in fire until I was nine, (one year after "Zuko Alone") then took me an institute to be evaluated by some masters (among them Lo and Li). Then I began lightening training, and it took me a year and a half of pretty rigorous instruction to become proficient. **_

_**Don't give up (unless you're Zuko, in which case you should just go die). I think your problem lies within your body. Lightening requires mental stability and a balance of all seven charkas. Take care of yourself mentally, physically, and.. uh… all the other ways and try to act more like me. Good luck. **_

**dear azula  
hypothetical as in she's not ruling yet and my sister is the one that resent you even implying that she couldn't beat you into the ground. i couldn't care less if you beat me since i would have multiple back up plans in place. Also, i am immune to spice girls, it's my sister's favorite band. Can they be called a band?  
I suppose you weren't intelligent enought to understand that the inability to think of using subterfuge reflects poorly not only on your intelligence but also on the intelligence of your ancestors, though you apparently are intelligent enough to realize that dr. pepper is far better than coke.  
have you ever considered dating uchiha itachi? i think the two of you would get along well.   
sincerely  
kitty demon  
ps  
thanks for the idea of what else to use to torture you. i'll have my sister get a tape of ALL her favorite songs.**

_**Dear Kitty,**_

_**My first word was "domination", I was valedictorian of the Fire Academy, and I have taken charge of an entire government, and yet my inability to think of a subterfuge somehow reflects poorly on my intelligence? Bwahahahahaahha!!! Oh dear Agni, I'm gonna have to borrow some of Uncle's Depends, because if I read anymore of your letters I WILL pee myself. **_

**Dear Azula,  
You stole my name! But I am you. Well, kind of. We were separated a birth, and I was sent far away. Even you don't know were it is. Then I died. Haha! And now I am that little voice in your head. My name s ÄzûLLà. Even you can't say that! Oh, my question is, are you my grandmother?  
Thank you, Azula's Alter Ego (ÄzûLLà)**

_**Dear My Alleged Alter Ego,**_

_**I sincerely hope that whatever is wrong with you is fixed some day. **_

AZULA: Until next time, people.


	7. Chapter 7

AUTHOR"S NOTE: Thanks for all the gracious reviews! I wasn't anticipating

Today's set is… in the Fire Palace itself! Azula and Co. are seated around Fire Lord Ozai, who continuously passes them chocolate-covered strawberries.

AZULA: Greetings, inferiors! Today, it makes me proud to introduce my father and handsome ruler of the Fire Nation, Fire Lord Ozai!

OZAI: No, it makes ME proud to introduce my daughter and glamorous princess of the Fire Nation, Azula!

AZULA: No, I'm prouder!

OZAI: No, I am!

AZULA: I am!

OZAI: Oh you're so perfect! 3

AZULA: Thank you.

OZAI: Oh look at you! 3

AZULA: Anyways, today Daddy will be overseeing my letters! You're gonna wish you'd never written all those nasty things!

MAI/TY LEE: Giggle!!!

**dear azula  
Despite your numerous accomplishments it cannot be denied that you still have yet to manage to catch a twelve year old child and that if it came down to a fight of you against the dai lee you would loose if only because of their numbers.  
also, you never answered about itachi, really i think you two have a lot in common. you're both psychotic, you both enjoy mentally torturing your brother, you're both nobility of some sort, you're both accomplished fighters. of course he 100x more evil, move intelligent and more attractive than you so maybe he's a bit out of your league.  
sincerely   
kitty demon**

TY LEE: Oooooooh!

OZAI: THAT'S a lawsuit. _Makes a tally mark on the "TO KILL" list._

_**Dear Kitty, **_

_**--The twelve year old child is the AVATAR. It's like telling Zuko that he couldn't defeat a fourteen year old girl, when that girl is me. **_

_**--Ah, but it DIDN'T come down to a fight with the Dai Li. That's the beauty of manipulation. **_

_**--I. Am. Not. Dating. Itachi. What part of "I'm already involved" is so hard for people to grasp?**_

**Dear Princess Azula,  
what is the first thing you're going to do when you're Fire Lady Azula  
love, **

**Aniek  
ps. Brunettes really are better!!**

OZAI: Smiles pleasantly and chalks one up on the "SAFE" list.

_**Dear Aniek,**_

_**I am going to nuke Ba Sing Se and turn it into the world's biggest skate park. No lies. It's gonna be great. **_

**Your Highness, or should I say your Royal Highness? (Nah. Until it's official you are heir, I can't.)  
You love Zutara fanfics right? But in truth, who would you choose to be your sister in law? There are several ladies that are always paired up with your brother: Song, Jin, Katara, and sometimes Toph (my second fav. character next to you). And why would you chose them?  
And yes, you and Zhao would've made a conveniant couple.  
Forlorn Maiden  
PS: You had better not die; you had better out live the Avatar, his buddies, and your brother. Also you have better NOT lose. Last but certainly not least, I don't think you're 'aluza'**

OZAI: Oh, how adorable. She's safe!

_**Dear Forlorn,**_

_**--Hmm. I think Song would be best. I mean, I could get away with ANYTHING and she would just sadly sit there. Zuko STOLE from her as she watched!**_

_**--Zhao and I would have made a decent couple. Only problem: With his monkey tenancies and my dominating ways, I'd probably give birth to King Kong. I don't even wanna imagine that kind of labor. **_

_**--Aw, how sweet—I don't think I'm a loser, either. Obviously. I mean, duh. **_

**Dear still sucky Azula that i still hate but not as much since she likes Dr.Pepper,**

Hi wants up my not so friend.Can you tell Mai that she can't go near Zuko or she will be attacked by me cause i clame him with the help of my fellow ninjas and pirates and the few pirate ninjas.Also Don't touch my big bro Itachi or Sasuke cause they are both evil (sorta) and can blow fire and lightning.Also I would also like to tell you that I too can bend all four elements like Aang.Sweet huh?I still Hate you just so you know but just a WEE bit smaller. I can help you out a little bit by hooking you up with chase young since he is pure evil and can turn into a dragon. Alos what is your favorite animal NOT A DRAGON.Also do you like green apple soda? ok bie bie.  
from the awesome person who loves Dr.Pepper and green apple soda rules all and is part dog demon and uchiha,Sakura  
P.S. I want you to teach me how to jump as high as you without using airbending thax.

OZAI: Forget "TO KILL" or "SAFE". I'll put this one under the "PITY ME" column.

_**Dear Dr. Pepper loving whatever,**_

_**Concentrate and ask again. (Got that off a Magic 8 ball)**_

**Dear Miss Hot Head,**

Wow, great advice, you should become a school therapist, though they'll probably have to close the school down because there won't be any kids left in it after taking your advice. I still have no idea how Mai and Ty Lee ever became friends with you. Mai I could understand because she has a crush on your brother, but Ty Lee? Speaking of Ty Lee, I read in somewhere that Ty Lee was going to be in the fourth episode of the third season of Avatar, "Sokka's Master". It said nothing about you or Mai. Do you believe that there may be a little Ty Lee and Sokka relationship going on in that episode? If so, try and destroy it before it sees the light of day. Sokka's too good for Ty Lee...and way too good for you.  
Sincerely,  
Strix Moonwing

OZAI: "TO KILL"!

_**Dear Stick,**_

_**Heh. School therapist would be a lousy job. World dominator is WAY more fun. **_

_**--They're awesome fighters. They're useful to have as friends.**_

_**--"Sokka's Master"? Geez, these producers don't tell me anything anymore. For all I know, Ty and I could be tap dancing with Dr. Suess. And I'll be on the lookout for any Ty/Sokka action with my trusty flamethrower. **_

_**--Sokka IS too good for me. I need someone evil. **_

**To Azula-  
M'kay, got a couple of questions for you.  
1.Why do you hate everyone?  
2.Have you ever considered freaking counting to ten before blowing someone's head off, you angry twisted freak?  
3.(Someone's going to shoot me for this one) What do you think people see in your brother? I don't get it. It's not necessarily that I don't like his personality (I don't) or the fact that he has a scar. But I just don't like him that much. Maybe it's the angsty attitude…? Oh, no wait, I've got it: he's too stupid to take control of his own fate. Stupid jerk. Just sit back and whine, that's going to fix EVERYTHING. Jeeze…  
4.In correlation to the last one, why do you think so many people have the annoying tendency to give up/accept defeat like that?  
As a side note, you're a total jerk, but you never give up. I respect that.  
-Snows Of Yester-Year**

OZAI: Hmmm… when in doubt…take 'em out! "TO KILL"!

_**Dear Snow,**_

_**--I do not hate everyone. Hello, I'm dating White Destroyer!**_

_**--I do not count TO ten. I count DOWN from ten. I love the anticipation.**_

_**--I honestly do not know what people see in Zuko. Seriously. Apparently Iroh sees something, but this guy freakin' sees spirits. Not a good sign. Not at all. **_

_**--I've never given up before, so I don't think I'm a good person to try and decipher human nature. Heck, I'm hardly human myself. **_

_**--Yes, I am a jerk—and I'm loving every minute of it. Yes indeed!**_

**Dear Zula(ha zinged you again)**

hi again, well i started my KankuroxAzula and I am havin a little trouble so in stead of thinking of my own ideas i take yours so: what pat name would you give Kankuro, how far will you lat him go and...hmm it seems Kankuro wants to say somthing  
" How's this Destroyer hm, i come all the way out here and, i can't belive this. you should be greatful to be paired with me, and you do this, you know what i got fans to i got fangirls lined up across the street waiting for a chants at the kid, so how needs you, how needs you!" Kankuro falls to his knees in tears  
Kankuro it's ok don't shh don't cry. Sorry Zula(can't stop it ha) I have to go help Kankuro right now coughhocough.

Ps. Ty lee said said you are a fat cow and i quote"Sokka is weak..does he even have a penis." unquote.

OZAI: Sheesh, Azula, I had no idea that you were stuck dealing with THESE kinds of nuts!

AZULA: There's a lot you don't know, Daddy-dums.

_**Dear I Eat Cats,**_

_**--I'd give him a pet name alright… how about Kanker-Sore?**_

_**--Might I suggest a sedative for ol' Kanker?**_

_**--Ty Lee has been sitting here all day and hasn't said anything remotely close to the subject of my weight. Although I hope she says that thing about Sokka. Or, if she wants to tell the truth, she could say that Zuko has no penis. Or anything THERE, if you know what I'm saying.**_

TY LEE: Quite unlike White Destroyer, hmmmm, Azula?

AZULA: W-What are you talking about?

OZAI?!?!?!?!?!

AZULA: NEXT LETTER!

**Dear Queen Azula  
I think you are an attractive girl. I want to know what are your turns on and turn offs when some one wants to take you out on a date. I think I'm madly in love with you. I you think I am afraid of the fire nation think a again because I am the prince of the Saiyans and my powers a lone can destroy a planet let alone your kingdom.**

**Love, Kaishin Briefs**

OZAI: Hopeless fanboys! Muahahaha! This is funneh!

_**Dear Briefs (boy did I feel awkward typing that)**_

_**I'm flattered that you find me attractive—although I AM entitled to your admiration. **_

_**--MY TURN ONS: Strong men, men with sideburns, burnt roses, confidence and a "I'm king of this freakin' world" attitude…**_

_**--MY TURN OFFS: Whining, groveling, poems that contain "Lord of the Rings" metaphors, heavy asthmatic breathing…**_

_**--Ah, but you wouldn't destroy my kingdom with beautiful me trapped inside? Never mind, I'll just have you burnt at the stake anyway. **_

**Dear Azula,  
I have to say, I must congratulate you for your flawless conquering of Ba Sing Se...You are truely a great role-model for those evil geniuses out there. Unfortunately, I'm sure they'll be crushed to hear they can never be as great as you. But I'm sure you'd enjoy that.  
Sincerely,  
The Foxboy  
P.S. - If you ever need highly destructive weaponry, give me a call. I can supply you with whatever you need...and for the low price of free.**

OZAI: Hm! This kid's got a head on his shoulders.

_**Dear Foxboy,**_

_**Thanks for your kind compliments as well as the free weapon offer, but I already have a vast arsenal at my disposal. However, if you still wish to help out—understandable reaction—pass out free weapons to the people of the F.N. An armed country is a happy country… or something like that.**_

**Dear Azula,  
Hmm, a Big Mai and a side of Ty's? I thought McDonalds was disgusting, but now i'm never going back. ( Could I have a Zuko Kola please?)  
You said you were incapavle of love, yet you said in the season 2 finale that you love the Dai Li's killer instinct. Is killer instinct a better thing to love than say, your hair?  
From,  
Ganthour**

OZAI: McDonald's… eesh. Pass the anti-acid.

_**Dear Ganthour,**_

_**Zuko Cola? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Forget the Depends—I'd better just sit on a potty while I read these letters!**_

OZAI: Speaking of potty, Azula was toilet trained at age one and gave me no trouble whatsoever. Zuko… holy crow. Kid almost couldn't go to school…

_**Hehehe. Anyway, I do love the Dai Li's killer instinct, and it is better than hair. If I shave my head (horrifying thought) I'm still evil. But you can't replace killer instinct, because it's useful, it's supernatural, and it sounds like the title of a movie I'd seriously go see. **_

**Dear Azula,  
I was wondering if you could tell me the most painful and efficient way to get rid of the people who annoy me. You see, I am already the prime suspect in most of the police's murder cases and would like to know an easy way to dispose of the body without being caught. Or better yet, an easy way to wipe out the entire police force.  
From,  
Jasmine Dragon  
PS: can you give me advice on how to take over the world?**

_**Dear Jasmine Dragon (Uncle's tea shop??)**_

_**Hm. Painful and efficient don't often go together well, but here's some ideas. **_

_**--Cremation, vaporization, and a shot to the stomach. For your purposes, number one and three would be easiest—vaporization is a toughie. **_

_**--Taking over the world? You should read "World Domination for Dummies". What a fabulous resource. **_

OZAI: You bet! I read it and look at me now!

**Dear Azula,  
Would you like to join my Fire Nation rock band? We recently released a hit single called, "Ozai Inferno" and we need a new vocalist, as I was forced to kill mine.  
Sincerely,  
Invaderk**

_**Dear Invaderk,**_

_**I'd love to join your band—it's been a lifelong dream of mine! I tried to be in a band while away at boarding school, but I had some major problems with them. I mean, the drummer wanted to do a cover of Nelly Furtado's stupid bird song. Hell-o. **_

OZAI: I love that song you wrote! Now, every time I enter a war meeting, I make sure it's playing! Nothing says "evil without compare" like having a theme song!

**Dear Azula,**

Did you know that you're ugly? You're NOT divine! My element is fire so I DON'T like watching water! That's like asking me if cats can talk. You do know that you basically forced Ty Lee to join you on your journey to capture Aang, right? If you don't know who Aang is then you're highly stupid. Did you know that you and Ozai have no feelings? Why do you want to execute your own brother? Having a cooler older brother can't be that bad. I feel sorry for Zuko because, he has to put up with you! Thanks for the scalpel idea, I'll try that. If I get caught by the cops, I'm going to kill you.  
-ForeverCharmed109  
P.S: Tell Ty Lee I said "Hi."

_**Dear Charmed, **_

_**Hehehe…cooler older brother… mmpfff!!! Cooler older brother?? Hahaha! Hahahaha! Oh Agni… Oh Agni… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**_

_**-----Azula runs into bathroom. We hear the toilet flushing madly.-----**_

_**Cooler…! Cooler…!**_

OZAI: I think you should change your username to Forever Comical!

**Dear Azula,  
You always claim that you are evil, but there is no such thing as good or evil. The only thing in this world is power. It is true you have power, but you are insane. People like you have no honor, no matter you say or think. You think your better then Zuko just because you were better at firebending, but when I look at you I see someone who has no reason to think highly of yourself.  
Lil'Pup**

_**Dear Puppy,**_

_**Oh, but I have many reasons to think highly of myself, starting with my ability to pick a decent username. Not that it's any of your business, but my username on websites is Agni'sRoyalProdigy. Strong, powerful, gives a strong mental image. But you? Lil'Pup? I picture some little beagle pointing at me and wibbling, "You're a howwible monster!" Then I see myself kicking it through a Hyundai. **_

OZAI: Haha. Well said, daughter.

**Dear Azula,  
You're pretty awesome, just wanted to let you know that you have another fan out here.  
What are your feelings on the other girls (excluding Mai and Ty Lee)? Many people think they're much cooler than you, but personally I disagree. Execpt for maybe Toph. She rocks.  
What do you think of all of your pairings floating around? You've been paired with almost everyone, I think. Almost as popular as Katara is with ships...  
Mai, how do you feel about the Zuko relationships? And Jin (the earth kingdom girl) kissing Zuko, and HIM KISSING HER BACK! -gasp-  
Ty Lee, do you really care who you're paired with? And where do you have to poke someone in their arms to make them go limp?  
Sincerely,  
SylverEyes**

_**Dear Eyes,**_

_**--Nice to know that I have a fan. Now I have 1 million, 300 thousand, 2 hundred and SIX fans. **_

_**--Hate 'em all except for Toph. Now there's a girl with stuff. I almost don't want to kill her. Almost.**_

_**--Wanna know how I feel about pairings? See Chapter one!**_

_**--Mai, do you care about the pairings with Zuko?**_

MAI: ZUKO BELONGS TO ME!

_**-Apparently she DOES care. Ty, do YOU care? And how do you do that limp thing?**_

TY LEE: I do care ! I love SOKKA! HE'S MINE!! And all you have to do is hit the person under the shoulder blade.

**Daughter of the imposing and powerful Fire Lord whom I believe would be seriously hott based on what we've seen and logic and reasoning (because I'm so good at that),  
You like chocolate milk? Cool. Me too.  
Tell Mai and Ty Lee I said hi. And tell Ty Lee I really want her and Sokka together. And tell Mai that Evanescense rocks.  
I, personally, think you and White Destroyer would be an awesome couple!   
You know why you're so sadistic? It's because you're sad. See, 'sad' is in 'sadistic'; I bet you're really depressed deep down inside, so deep that you aren't even conscious of it anymore. I really feel bad for you. Both you and your brother. Your lives are so twisted and messed up... No one should have to go through what you did/do. It's... GOD AZULA!! WHY!? WHY DON'T YOU CARE? WHY DON'T YOU -FEEL-!?!? -sobs-  
P.S. Momo asks if you take credit.  
Flow Rat  
(My friend has a word for 'perfect' people like you. It's ROBOT I'm a robot, according to him. But I'm pretty sure perfect people have the full range of feelings intended for humankind.)**

_**Dear Flow Rat,**_

_**I'll tell 'em you said Hi. Oy! Ty and Mai! Flow Rat says hi!**_

MAI/TY LEE: Hi!

_**--Yeah, me and Destroyer would be quite the pair… that is if he decides to write me a letter sometime this century. **_

**_--Let me_** **_straighten something out. I do feel and I do care… just not very much._** **_Hey, when they told me that grandma died (I was four), I sat and cried! Yup, you heard it people! I, Azula, sat and CRIED! For real! It's a shame no one caught my tears, because they cure cancer. Heck, I cried yesterday after Ty Lee pushed me into watching "The Notebook"! It's just that she blinked and missed my whole display of grief. _**

_**--Thanks for depressing me, creep! And tell Momo that I do accept credit. **_

**Dear Azula,  
I noticed you used the 'died laughing' smilie when you answered zutaraxlove's letter. Doesn't that completely contradict you? I mean--not only are you supposed to be incapable of emotion, but I thought you couldn't die either! Could it be that you aren't the real Azula?  
Crapfully yours,  
Xintendation 360**

_**Dear 360,**_

_**See the above letter. I do have emotions, for corn's sake! And I am the real Azula! I AM! I AM! I AM! **_

**_-----Azula puts head in lap and bursts into bitter tears.  ------_**

MAI: Quick! Catch her tears! They cure cancer!

OZAI: Cry in my mouth, Azula! I'll be invincible!

TY LEE: Awwww, Azula… don't cry… you still have me.

AZULA: LEAVE ME ALONE!!! _Runs sobbing into bathroom. _

MAI: Azula is crying! The Apocalypse is coming!

OZAI: SHUT UP EVERYONE! Ty, go calm Azula.

_A streak of lightening blasts the sheetrock in the wall. _

OZAI: On second thought, let's all lay low.

TY LEE: No, I'll go help her.

OZAI: Until she's better, I'll answer the letters.

**Dear Princess Azula,  
OMG! You DON'T like eggnog! I'm just kidding! I like chocolate milk too. :) The national supply has ran out of wiis and I feel like I'm about to cry! What do I do?**

**Love, Stardragon**

_**Dear Stardragon, **_

_**Get a life. **_

**_Love, Ozai._ **

**Dear Your Mighty Azulaness  
could you please send my friends and i Mai and Ty lee. We need Mai to teach my friend how to show no emoction.We need Ty Lee to teach my fiend mroe about chis and flips and stuff cause personally shes not that good at flips my friend not Ty Lee.  
Your most loyal fan  
Wheaty  
ps.has it ever occured to you to take all of the be fongs money cuase my friends and i think it would be a good idea.**

_**Dear Wheaties,**_

_**Get your own friends. **_

**_Love Ozai._ **

TY LEE: We've figured out the problem!

AZULA: _Still in bathroom. _Sh-Sh-Shut up.

TY LEE: It seems that Azula's got her period! That's why she's acting funny all of a sudden.

AZULA: SHUT UP!

TY LEE: Mai, could we borrow some tampons?

MAI: Sure. _Hands her a box. _

OZAI: Don't cry, daughter! It's not so bad! Just imagine how shitty Zuko felt when he realized that HE actually gets periods, the pussy.

**THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EPISODE OF ASK AZULA.**


	8. Chapter 8

AUTHOR NOTE: I'm out of ideas for settings and guest stars!! Please help me and make suggestions. You can even make other kinds of suggestions—anything that you think that this show could use. This chapter'll be kinda bare bones because of my writer's block. But please! I need suggestions!

Oh, and I'd like to tell you about an Azula dream that I had last night! This is how it went down:

Azula was pregnant (don't know who the father was) and we were having tea together. Ty Lee and Mai were there too. Then suddenly Azula went into labor. (No lies.) Ty and Mai freaked out and begged me for help, and so I helped Azula up and put her to bed, and she (screamed a lot) and gave birth to a little slimy baby. Slimy, but cute. Don't know baby's name.

FREAKY dream.

1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

Dear Azula,  
Thank you for suggesting world domination for dummies. It was fascinating and very helpful. You mentioned this in one of the previous chapters and I was wondering... how do you scalp someone?  
From,  
Jasmine Dragon

_**Dear Jasmine,**_

_**This is how you scalp someone. (WARNING: Not for the faint of heart.) You force the victim to their knees and grab them by the hair near their forehead. Pulling them up off their knees by their hair, slit the forehead with your knife and push it across the scalp, taking the scalp as well as most of the victim's hair off. If the victim is not already dead when you do this, this injury usually causes profuse bleeding followed by death. **_

_**Have a nice day… and night, if you can still sleep.**_

Dear Azula,  
Why do you pick on Zuko so much? If you hate him then ignore him unless he's right there. Plus, Zuko's HOT! And no I'm not fat. I'm in great shape. Zuko's just too darn hot to ignore. He's not a lame emo! Emo's rock!(minus the ones who cut and whine) Zuko never whines. He suck it up and tries to improve it! Are you just upset that he was born first?  
And the only reason Ozai likes you is because your the second born. He always hated Iroh because he was heir to the throne. And you suck up to him.  
But thanx for the songs, I'll try that! Yes, music is universal.  
To Ty lee: Yes! You guys(you and Sokka) are adorable! I was torn between you and Suki, but...your just perfect for him!  
Thanx for the advice!  
To Mai: Were do you get your weapons? Cuz, they rock!  
Sorry so long!  
TeenAnimeOtaku  
P.S. No Itachi, okay. Have fun with the other guy.

_Dear Otaku,_

_I pick on Zuko firstly because it's fun, and secondly because I'm Azula. That's what I do. Why ignore him when I can play around? He's like a Tickle-Me-Elmo that screams and cries… no wait! He's a Tickle-Me-EMO. HA!_

_Actually, I'm pleased with being born second. Must suck to be first, having to be on your guard, watching out for creeps like me. Plus, sucking up is fun and it works. How do you think people get promotions in real life? From hard work? Don't make me laugh. Don't. _

_Okay, here's Ty and Mai's answers to your questions for them._

TY LEE: Yes! Thank you! Sokka and I ARE perfect! Hee hee!

MAI: Yeah, my weapons kinda do rock. I got 'em from Bloodbath and Beyond—an awesome store. I got most of 'em from the one in East Port. (East Port is a coastal town on the FN's east coast, about a hundred miles from the capital.)

Dear Azula,  
I know how your hair is one of the most awesome thing in the world, so how did you feel when your bangs were partially cut off in the season finale of season two? I was like "OH NO THEY DIDN'T!" but apparently they did. I give you my condolences.  
Oh, and what advice to you have on siblings who cannot firebend for their life? It's embarressing to be related to mine, the way she firebends!  
Sorry about your period. Stupid thing. Makes you act all emotional. Bleh.  
A fan,  
SylverEyes

_Dear Sylver,_

_(Blushing in embarrassment, thinking back to the last chapter) Wretched period. Anyway, moving on to the subject of my hair! I was indeed PRETTY PISSED OFF when my perfect bangs were given a trim. That Katara chick will never need to buy a Weed Whacker—her waterbending should do the trick. However, considering that her whip could have sliced off my nose or cheeks, I'd rather lose an inch off of my bangs. _

_Oh, and siblings who can't firebend are fun to firebend AT. ;-)_

Dear (peasant) Lula,

I have decided to come back, since all my last letter was blocked thanks to a brand new swearing limit. And now I am back to annoy you to death! Now Azula, I have a question. How long did it take you to master lightning and fire? I can safly say, though that whatever it was, I was faster. And has anyone else noticed that Ozai is a total jerk and OOC dude in your last chapter? And I happened to have an indestructible video camera taping your crying trip to the bathroom. I recovered the tape, and it should be on the internet any second now. Imagine, a source of shame you couldn't get rid of...and the internet I am speaking of is in millions of universes...you'll never be able to stop all of them...and they also like to spread...face it...your be even more scarred than ol' Zuzu... and it is technically impossible for Zuko to get periods, you retard...now I have another letter, and because of a specail (indestructable, and unhackable) device, you have to read a bunch of useless chatter before reading another letter that a friend of mine told me to send with mine.  
But first...I will say my empire is real, and the next time you ask about my name, I will warp into the room you are in, and I'll personally stab you at such speeds, that I could do it 10 times in the time it takes light to travel through an open-ended tube, at the speed of light.  
My empire's tech is also VERY advanced, and I will say it is human nature to assume things when an explanation is absent. And my empire's tech is so advanced, that the drill is obsolete, and we use hundreds of space ships, and we can bend easily ewith staffs, that allow us to bend with much less effort. And I will now start the useless chatter. _(Oh no you won't. EDITED!)_

_Dear Nitro,_

_(Chuckling.) Annoy me to death? No… although you may AMUSE me to death. _

_--It's none of your beeswax how long it took me to do anything. How long did it take you to type this childish garble? I can safely say that however long it was, I honestly don't give a flying frog-donkey. _

_--(sigh) There are no cameras in the Fire Palace lavatory. And if there was, and you have it, you'd better only listen to the audio, because the visuals may be kinda gross. However, if you think you or others would enjoy watching me insert a tampon, go ahead, perv. It's the closest you'll EVER get to that particular area of my body. _

_--Blah, blah, the same regurgitated blathering about your "kingdom"… do you copy and paste the same letter over and over?_

Dear Queen Azula

Thanks for the tips. I be sure to know what you like in a man. Tell you father that I said this is one fan boy what is stronger then you and if you want to prove me wrong I CHALLENGE HIM TO AN AGNI. Then when I'm done with him you and me will rock the Cashba all not long.  
Love You Future Husband Kaishin Briefs  
P.S. Just call me Kai.

P.S.S I hope you get my gift i sent with this letter. (Diamond Tiara, Silk Dress, and lingere and a huge Diamond ring the size of your fist.)

_Dear Kai,_

_I'll tell father… and THANK YOU for these gifts. (Changes into them) Don't I look like a million bucks? Well, I've always looked like that. NOW I look like the credit card of God!_

Dear Azula the Beautiful Fire Queen,  
Zuko is actually my last favorite character (my list was out of order). All he does is whine about how he has to capture the Avatar and please his father. Come to think of it, you're actually the only awesome character on the show. You know what you're doing, and you don't let others get in your way.  
I have a gift for you!  
(Creates a rose out of pure fire and makes it real...and burnt) I read that you liked those!  
I love you, Azula!  
Sapphire Wolf Master

_Dear Master,_

_Oh, more presents! Oh, thank you! (Puts the rose in her mouth and looks very sexy.)_

_I'm starting to enjoy these letters/care packages. _

Princess Azula,  
First off, let me please state what a huge fan of yours I am. And no, heh heh, I'm not just saying that because I'm pretty much the biggest thing there is in existence being The Universe and all. Anyway, an acquaintance and I were having a discussion, and this question came up. Which of these two is a more evil/fun way to abuse the complete obedience of Ty Lee and Mai, and why? To make them hand feed you various fruits, or to make them massage your feet after a long hard battle?  
P.S. I've always had a soft spot for the dominant girls who could kick my ass and not think twice about it. Should that Destroyer fellow foolishly not return, remember that The Universe is all around you. And being me, I could gladly make Sozin's comet fly by any your heart desired, which I'm sure is more than enough to please your esteemed father.  
Sincerely,  
The Universe

_Dear Universe (??)_

_Uh.. wow. A letter from the Universe. And here I was thinking that the Universe couldn't talk—some education I've got. _

_--Foot massage ALL THE WAY!_

_Oh, and Destroyer has returned. Thanks your support, Universe, apparently you had all the right planets aligned when I was born!_

Princess Azula,  
I realize many people asked you how you feel about the pairings that involve you, but I was wondering how you feel about the pairings involving Ty Lee and Mai. Two of the more popular ships for them are Ty Lee/Sokka and Mai/Zuko. I wanted to know how you felt about their rather obvious compliance with these ships. Would you support Mai and Zuko as a way to control them, or not support them in worry that Zuko would give Mai an incentive to turn on you??  
Sincerly,  
Softballgirl9411

_Dear Softball,_

_I am well aware of these ships, and I'm also aware that Ty Lee and Mai are quite into it. Frankly, I don't care. They'll never be threats to me, even if Sokka and Zuko are against me. So I might as well let 'em date whomever they want. However, if they start forming rebel armies, then I'll step in with a stun gun and that'll be that. _

Dear Azula,  
Hey, that's a great idea, thx! Oh, and my friend Jasmine wants to say something to you. Jasmine said "Kill Aang already! He's getting in the freakin' way of Zutarians! Kill him! And kill Jin too... you know? The girl who dated Zuko. That bitch."  
Yeah, she typed that, but I agree. Lol. Anyways, you rock. And your dad... has major muscles man! How'd he get that? Lol, sorry Fire Lord Ozai, please don't kill me. I'm just asking.  
-go Zutara:)  
zutaraxlove

_Dear Zutara:_

_YES! ZUTARA! REPRESENTIN'!! (Ahem) Yes, Aang is indeed getting in the way of the greatest ship known to man. Or was. Isn't he dead? Didn't my lightening kill him while he was in the Avatar state? I saw Katara escape with his body… did he seriously live? Erm… um… well, I'm freaked out now. That's the second person I've hit with lightening who has lived. Damn. I've got to train harder. DAMN! First I've got a hair out of place, now people are surviving my attacks! CURSE YOU AZULA! YOU'VE BEEN SLACKING! I hate myself SO MUCH right now! When Dad finds out that Aang lived, I'm going to be GROUNDED! _

Dear Princess Azula,  
I know you can't stand any of the other female characters (besides your friends and Toph) but which character do you hate the most? (As in, which character would you end up killing within five minutes of seeing them?)  
Have a fun time answering this and other annoying letters...  
Chocobo Rider Vaan

_Dear Rider,_

_I would definitely kill that freakin' hippie from The Cave of 2 Lovers. Holy crap. In fact, I'd kill all of the hippies, so that they can't make anymore freakin' hippies! (I'd kill the gay-looking one in pink first.)_

_And your letter is not annoying. Not at all. _

Dear Princess Azula  
I fell REALLY stupid for asking this, but my brother insisted, so here goes. Do you like pie?   
It's something HE had to know, I could care less.  
Feeling AMAZINGLY stupid right now  
Dark Rose  
P.S. A REAL question: How long would you torture your brother before you kill him? Just wondering for... curiosity's sake evil grin

_Dear Rose,_

_Wow. I'd feel stupid too. But I do like pie. Especially mincemeat. I'll let you imagine where I get the mincemeat. _

_Oh, and wouldn't torture Zuko at all. I'd have to do it quickly… so that I can make more mincemeat pie… (shifty eyes)_

Dear Miss Hot Head,

I'm on Ozai's 'To Kill' list? I'm flattered! You haven't heard about "Sokka's Master?" You seriously need to talk to someone else besides the Dia Lee and those two sidekicks. To bad, that's the only episode the stupid producers have revealed to us, but does that put the fans off? No. There has been about a million speculations about what the episode is going to be about. A lot of people believe that Sokka is going to discover that he's a waterbender...or worst, a firebender. I shudder at the thought this for more reasons than one. They think Zuko and Sokka are lost brothers or some other idiotic thing. How do you feel about this these theories? Do you have a theory of your own about this new episode?  
Sincerely,  
Strix Moonwing

_Dear Stick,_

_HA HA. Zuko and Sokka—brothers. Wow. These people need get their eyes (and maybe heads) examined. They look NOTHING alike. That's like saying that Katara and I are lost sisters. Freaky thought, eh?_

_My personal theory: Suki may return in that episode. I just have this feeling. Sokka's master, to me, will be another Water Tribe person. _

Dear Azula,  
You wear Depends, but your dad says you've been potty trained since you were one. I don't get it.  
Anyways, is it hard to keep looking so pretty everyday when you're tracking the avatar, and your brother, and your uncle? How do you do it? Is there some special routine you go through everyday?  
Yours,  
Ganthour

_Dear Ganthour:_

_I am potty-trained. It's just that when I laugh really hard, I sorta pee on myself. Now Iroh… that's a different story._

_Oh, and it's not too hard to look pretty every day. It's just that you only see me in action. They never show me during my downtime or first thing in the morning. Heck, the Season Finale was the first time people even see me in a nightdress. First of all, before I go to bed, I take my hair down. Then in the morning, maids (or I) iron it out, treat it with hair oil, and arrange it. Then I freeze it in place with spray. I do not wear makeup—unless you count lip- gloss. My favorite lip- gloss is cinnamon, by the way._

Dear Azula, Your Highness  
I never thought about Song being a pushover, but now that you've mentioned it--yep, having her as a sister-in-law would be fun! Mwhahaha! Anyway I had forgotten to put Mai in my last letter, but if she had been in the last letter in the list, would you have picked her? Why and why not? Also, for the school therapist thing, Strix Moonwing suggested. I think it'd be a great idea--a first step to world domination that you so adore. How so? Well they say children are the future, so if you get the children who come to you for help--you could sway them to your way of thinking. For example: "Mad the world are you? Well help me get back at them!" you can tell them. Don't you think? Thus the elderly will be powerless--because what kind hearted grown up, would want to fight against children, let alone if it was their children!   
Forlorn Maiden  
PS: I don't think you're ugly. IMO you're the prettiest girl on Avatar. (No offense girls)

_Dear Maiden,_

_Wouldn't have picked Mai. Apathetic as she may be, she's no pushover. Song is THE pushover. Oh, and I see your point about the school therapist-thing. I'll have to make a law mandating that all school therapists must be corruptive and evil. _

Dear Aluza,

Thanks for the advice Ozai, maybe I WILL change my username to ForeverComical109. Seriously, Zuko IS cooler then you two. I'm shocked that you actually laughed! Agni's the fire god or something god, right? Why am I asking you for advice anyways?  
With hatred,  
ForeverCharmed109

_Dear Forever Comical, _

_Agni is indeed the god I worship. Even I, the great Azula, defer to the man upstairs. _

_And I do not know why you ask me for advice. I know that I am the best thing since sliced bread, but I cannot read minds. _

Dear Princess Azula of the Fire Nation,  
How does it feel to be the princess of the most powerful nation in the world and to be pretty with p-awesome hair. (p-awesome is like awesome, only better!) Good luck dealing with your period. It's the worst torture device ever invented. And chocolate milk rules! Do you wake up every morning with your hair perfect, or do you get people to do it for you?  
P.S. Tell Mai that Zuko belongs to Katara, and that he would never look in her direction, no matter how shiny her hair is. HAA.  
P.P.S p-awesome is pronounced puh-awesome, fyi...  
from, teh queen of randomness.

_Dear Queen, _

_It feels fantastic being a pretty princess that can pwn everything, even if you have a not-so-perfect period. (Lot of p in that sentence) See Ganthour's letter above about my hair. _

MAI: Zuko does NOT belong to Katara. Fk off.

Dear Azula,  
Sorry. You think I didn't feel anything saying that?  
Uh... your father didn't see how I started the last letter, did he? Heh... heh... -nervously rubs back of neck--sweatdrop-  
Have you heard that song 'Sweet Home Fire Nation'? I like it... partially because I wrote it...  
Did you know Iroh's wife? Did she have any family (cousins, siblings, etc.)? Or was Lu Ten an accident? I always wondered...  
My brother asks why you shot Iroh with lightning.  
And if you weren't a firebender, would you rather be an earthbender or a waterbender and why?  
P.S. Momo's in debt now.

From, Flow Rat Ava; Avatarwolf  
(What other songs do you like?)

_Dear Flow Rat,_

"_Sweet Home Fire Nation" isn't a half bad song. Nice job! _

_Iroh's wife died when she was forty (year Zuko was born) of a stroke—I never knew much about her or her family—and Lu Ten was a planned child. _

_If your brother is asking why I struck Iroh with lightening, then I guess the irony was lost on him. _

_And I am now and will always be a FIREBENDER. Got it?_

Dear Princess Azula,  
Your dad told me to get a life! Oh, I got a wii! YAY! Also, I think that you should make a rock band with Ty Lee and Mai. Do you like Kataang?  
From,  
StarDragon411

_Dear Star,_

_Sure. We'll be a rock band: Azula and the Slave-ettes. _

_Kataang… I don't care. I'm gonna kill 'em anyway. _

Dear Azula  
I have hobbies! The chess club just isnt on right now because someone got into a fight about the queen (Encase you're too stupid to realise- I'M KIDDING! I do weight lifting and stuff in my room)  
My real hobbies, swimming, working out, drawing, writing, etc.  
Moving on...  
I was wondering, if you hate Zuko much, it ISN'T because your a twisted freak, it's because your a little sister! My sis tortures me (I hv the scar across my head to prove). Speaking of my sis, she does annual polls every January for different things. She did the greatest evil on the planet today, you were no. 2!  
1. (for protection, this name has been covered so YOU don't kill them)  
2. You  
3. Hitler.  
YOU BET HITLER! WELL DONE! (fireworks go off) doesn't that just fill your hollow black heart to the brim with twisted evil pride?  
From, the hyper scots lass  
p.s Sleep with one eye open, the ZFGA (Zuko Fan Girl Association) have already took down the outer wall of the Fire Nation. They have bomber jets now! RUN!

_Dear Lass,_

_I beat Hitler, eh? Wait 'til I tell Dad. I'll get a raise on my allowance. A big one. _

AZULA: That's enough stupidity for one sitting. Good and bye!


	9. Chapter 9

AUTHOR NOTE: If you're submitting a letter, please put it in a review of the most recent chapter. Makes it easy for me. Enjoy the new chapter:o)

11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

God Help Us! It's another episode of Ask Azula!

The setting is in The Jasmine Dragon—Iroh's old teashop—which has been vandalized pretty bad by Azula and Co.

AZULA: You commoners are in for a treat today—we've got TWO guest stars today! To my left, my fuddy-duddy old uncle Iroh!

IROH: _Is chained to a chair, but is still pretty jolly. _Hello everyone! Who knew I'd one day own a teashop, have it repossessed by the Dai Li, and then be forced to appear on my niece's talk show? Fate is a funny thing.

AZULA: Yeah… okay. And right here, beside me, is my dear love Zapper9!

ZAPPER: Nice to be here, Zulie.

AZULA: That's his nickname for me. Call me "sentimental", but I enjoy it.

IROH: How charming. Who knew Azula was capable of love? Life is full of surprises.

AZULA: And Uncle is full of stupid rhetorical questions. On to the letters!

Azula,  
They freeze your hair into place? Interesting. I love cinnamon lip gloss too. ( I am a girl by the way even though my name may suggest otherwise.)  
Do you consider it an honor to be named after your grandpa? And what are you going to do about the invasion of the fire nation? Shoot down everyone with guns?  
Until next time,  
Ganthour

_Dear Ganthour,_

_You're a girl? Woah, you sure have a feminine username. (/sarcasm) Oh, and they don't literally freeze my hair, it's more like a flexible hold spray. As for being named after Firelord Azulon, I think HE ought to consider it a tremendous honor that I was named after HIM. Or should… he's kind of dead. _

IROH: My father was not be crossed, oh no. He was a good man and a good father, but Agni help you if you were disobedient. That was Ozai's problem… I reckon his rear end's never been the same…

ZAPPER: Nice mental image, Iroh!

Hey ok i got another letter 4 azula  
Dear Firebending Prodigy wannabe,  
are you a female dog? give me a yes or a no nothing else.  
no thanks  
jadedragon618

_Dear Jade,_

_So you're asking me if I'm a bitch? Well, that is incorrect. I am THE bitch. _

ZAPPER: Nah, you're not that much of a bitch… although when that period rears its ugly head… geez.

IROH: I actually saw part of that episode… Zuko taped it and watches it every day when he needs, as he puts it, a "pick-me-up".

AZULA: Oh really? I'll "pick him up" and throw him through a cage of lion-beasts. Then I'll tape that. Hope the irony won't lost on him.

Dear Princess Azula,  
Raising heirs is one thing, but carrying the is another entirely. How will you ever continue to kick butt and fight once you're in charge of the Fire Nation if you're pregnant?  
-Invaderk

Azula: _Gives Zapper a look._

Zapper: _Gives Azula a look._

_Dear Invaderk, _

_That is an interesting question indeed, my invaderky friend. I cannot say that I have ever been pregnant. I do not know how pleasantly my body would react to it. In any case, I think purchasing a good set of firearms makes good sense—I won't have to move. Somebody pisses me off and BOOM! Hope I don't get pregnancy-related mood swings. _

IROH: Dear Agni! And I thought my wife was a nightmare. Azula… that'll be HELL! Invaderk, next time you count your blessings, thank god that you're an entire dimension away from Azula!

AZULA: As for this next letter, I think Zapper (aka. White Destroyer) should read it to me.

ZAPPER: Okay. (ahem)

Dear my Beloved Azula,  
I won! Your father was extremely impressed with my fighting abilities. He even had me write down how to do certain moves. I don't think I ever told you that I am a firebender. During the battle, I showed 4 moves I created. One lets you control an opponent like a puppet master using their own body heat. Your father wants me to travel with you and fight by your side. I will leave tomorrow. Enclosed are the instructions to do my moves as well as a 20- gram sample of the drug. Also, at the exact moment you finish reading this sentence, as I have had some of the drug slipped in the tea Ty Lee has just finished drinking, you will be able to control her movements. Remember 24 hours. Do you like magma- flavored tea?   
Love White Destroyer,  
P.S. Your father gave me permission to marry you. He says hi.

AZULA: Hmm. Neat. I can answer you in person. Hmmm, what to say, what to say! I guess I'll just have to----(Makes out with him.)

TY LEE: _Entering room: _Hey, guys, I've got a tray of Bagel Bites for---YEAH! GO AZULA!

MAI: I'll take a picture of this with my camera phone!

AZULA: Ohhh that was fun. Wait! I can control Ty Lee! _Makes Ty Lee fall facedown in the hot Bagel Bites. _HEY that's neat!

ZAPPER: C'mon, let's make out more! _They do. _

IROH: Hmm. They seem pretty busy. I think I'll answer some letters for a while, okay? (Everyone cheers because Iroh rocks your socks.)

Dear Azula,  
Do you know anything about the IrohxUrsa pairing? People are saying there's no possible way Zuko was the spawn of Ozai, and that He's Iroh's son. They do have similar eyes. Or are you just disturbed by the thought.  
Ty lee and Mai: Thanx! Long live Zutara and Tykka!  
TeenAnimeOtaku

_Dear Otaku,_

_Me x Ursa? Take it from me, Miss T.A.O., Zuko is OZAI'S son. I think of Zuko (that poor misguided boy) as my son, but he is not LITERALLY my son. We have similar eyes because we're related. Lu Ten (Agni rest his soul—I wuvs you son) was my only child. _

TY LEE/MAI: Yay! Long live Tykka!

MAI: And long live Zutara---hey wait a minute!

Dear Azula,  
thank you for the scalping advice throws up from the bad mental image. So, do you know how your grandfather Azulon died? was it natural or did someone coughyouorozaicough kill him? Also, do you know what happened to your mum?  
from,  
Jasmine

_Dear Jasmine (I love Jasmine tea!)_

_I do not know how my father died (Agni rest his soul too) but I suspect that Ozai had a hand in it. I wouldn't put murder past Azula, either. As for Ursa, I sincerely hope that wherever she is, she is safe. Sorry I can't elaborate any more. _

Dear Azula,  
First off my name is ieatcats, not cat-eater, not i eat cat, got. good.  
Now from what i you are 100 devotion to the Fire Nation,see i have a problem with that if you have 100 devotion to the Fire Nation there is no devotion lift for America, and that is not ok. You may be a fictional character in a fictional world, but that's no accuse you were made in America start acting like it, moving on.  
You waste your time fighting the Avatar when the real enemy's walking around. Yes that's right i'am talking about bears, now they've already taking over Bu Sang Si, now if you watch the episode: The Earth King look really close you'll see. Masters of discise so watch out.  
oh yeah Kankuro liked would to talk to you something about you being a cheating whore.  
"Ha Azula it's you little Kanker-sore i-i miss you. The things i said before were little much so for that i'am sorry, but if i catch you with one more man so help i will have Karasu it Ty Lee's soul."  
P.S  
You misread my last P.S it was  
Ty Lee, Sai said your fat and the thing about Sokka's penis. Oh and said my looks like a man and has a bigger penis the Zuko.  
love Kanker-sore

_Dear I Eat Cats (How horrible!!)_

_You are mistaken. We were not made in this "America" you speak of. We were made in the Fire Nation! And don't call Azula a whore—that's not polite and is rather dishonorable because you're not saying it to her face, and she has no real way to retaliate. And don't compare other people's penises to Zuko's—that's embarrassing. What do you think this is, college? _

_My, my, kids these days. _

AZULA: Ohhh! Yes! This is GREAT! (Keeps making out.)

ZAPPER: Azula, I love you!

Azula,  
Okay, I need some advice. There's this guy who has this thing for me and he WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. He frickin' tries to feel me up! Hell, I beat him up more times than I can count, but THIS GUY WON'T QUIT! I avoid him, tell him 'Oh hells no, I won't go out with you,' curse him out, but he just won't stop! Is there ANYTHING I can do that doesn't come to the conclusion of anyone getting killed/maimed/physically scarred/moving/thrown into Juvie?  
P.S. I have a recording of Zuko singing with his band- "Zuko and the Bearded Cats". It's really hilarious; you wanna see it? I'll post it on You Tube sometime this lifetime. Or I could email it to you.  
From the distressed Flow Rat Ava  
(The rat can't flow because you scared it out of him earlier.)

_Dear Flow Rat (that's an odd one)_

_You should settle down with another young man. This obsessive one will probably back off if you are taken—it's not right to pursue a claimed girl. _

_My nephew has a band? With cats? (Sigh) He never tells me anything. _

_And don't be distressed. Have some tea. _

To Your Holy Highness, Lady Azula Beloved Daughter of Fire Lord Ozai and Sexily Evil Femme Fatale from the Chosen Lineage of Agni.

I hope you receive this letter from this humble server, there's a few question that I will be pleased if you answer them: What do you think of the spirits? You must at least hear of them from your lightning training in that academy, and from those stories of the Avatar. Do you think it's proper to defy one? I heard rumors from the soldiers says that Zhao's disappearance was because he dared to defy one. And finally, if you have the blessing of meeting with the Sacred Spirit of the Sun (which, in my opinion, is even more possible compared to the fact of receive a letter from the Universe), the source of all the firebending, what could you say to It? It's possible to be speechless for a time but anyone would try to say anything, it's an once-per-ages opportunity.  
But now I should finish asking and wait for your response.  
Sincerely.  
Astral Sage.  
P.S: I almost forget to say my fortune-telling, the Fire Star is right now alligned with the Metal Star, with the Earth Star near to the Fire and the Wood Star in its opposite, so the War will affect strongly the Economy, lowering the land's prices and rising to the sky the vegetable's prices. So take note to this advice: Buy a giant area ravaged by the war (if it's a burnt farming region, better), send some slaves and peasants to work as slaved farmers, and sell their production to the market; in no time you will be able to buy an even bigger personal army with the gainings.  
P.S.S: There's also a strange alignment between The Fire star and the Water Star refering to some Zutarian fics massive updating...

_Dear Astral Sage,_

_Oh, you're interested in spirits too! (Puts away his Ouija board) Well, I don't know about Azula, but I can say with every semblance of honesty that I respect spirits very much. It is DEFINITELY not a good idea to defy and/or upset them in any way; the consequences can indeed be horrible. _

_Communicating with the sun spirit (Agni) would certainly be a humbling experience. I can't say I know what I'd do or how I'd react. _

_What fun! These letters are neat!_

AZULA: Ohhh! YES! Ohhhh…. (she and Zapper go into another room and shut the door.)

IROH: Oh my, what could they be doing? (/innocent old man)

Dear Azula,  
I have two questions. Have you ever had sex? If so, with who.  
From, Busybody.

_Dear Busybody,_

_Your username is very apt! I do not know about my niece's sex life at all, but…_

AZULA: Oh Zappie! Oh Zappie! Ohhh! Keep going!!

…_but I think it is safe to say that she has (or is in the process of right now) had sex. With that Zapper kid. I do hope that they're using condoms. _

AZULA: Oh…!!!!

_I think they've finished now. Hope that answered your question. _

AZULA and ZAPPER come out of the room, all sweaty and giggling.

AZULA: Okay… okay… I'll do the letters again.

Dear Princess Azula,  
Quick, huh? I'll keep that in mind for if my ex-boyfriend comes back looking for trouble...  
Anyway, I have a bit of a problem. My brother's stupidity is really getting on my nerves, so I'll just out and say it: How should I kill him? Should I fry him to a crisp with my lightning, should I throw him into a pit of angry sabertoothed mosse-lions, what should I do, and how should I do it?  
Losing patience with siblings  
Dark Rose  
P.S. If you will to, respond with EXCRUCIATING detail.

_Dear Rose,_

_Don't kill him. That's too quick. Instead, follow my really good recipe of torture._

_AZULA'S REALLY GOOD TORTURE RECIPE_

_You will need:_

_Several large empty plastic Easter eggs. _

_Your brother's favorite (small) possessions. _

_Two concert tickets to a really wild band with a mosh pit. _

_An evil mind (which I'm sure you have)_

_Method:_

_First, take your brother's prized possessions and seal them in the Easter eggs._

_Second, take your brother to the concert. Walk up to the mosh pit. _

_Third, tell your brother that his possessions are in the Easter eggs, then QUICKLY throw them into the mosh pit. _

_Fourth, stand back and watch the idiot try to retrieve his things as he is beaten in the mosh pit. Laugh, if desired. Garnish with a pat on the back. _

Dear Princess Azula,  
I was thinking of creating a line of hair care products called 'PureEvil' (inspired by your flawless tresses, of course). I was hoping that you would be willing to do some advertising or be a spokesperson for us? The pay would be... massive (not that you need it or anything), and everyone who uses the shampoo would be transformed into an evil minion (with great hair). As an added bonus, you get to keep all the minions!  
Sincerely,  
Deliberate Mistake  
p.s. I kind of liked the set in the first episode. It made you seem incredibly evil and powerful, in comparison to the flowers and rabbits and such. Much more intimidating.

_Dear Mistake,_

_What a fabulous idea! I'd be more than happy to endorse you. Pure Evil… I love it! The massive pay that I'll receive can go into the Fire Nation military. _

_As for the bunny set, you make a valid point. However, you weren't the one cleaning up the rabbit crap. _

Dear ultimate Princess Azula,  
I kind of chose my penname when I was in my gothic stage. Now I'm back into the sissy coward I used to be. HOW DO I BECOME EVIL AGAIN? Now, on to the other questions- how would you react if you found out one of your childhood friends was an earthbender? 'Cause I'm writing a fanfic soon. What's your fave color- fave animal- fave method of torture- fave fire nation city- how do you tell the difference between Li and Lo- are you aware that some people pair you up with Momo- and you know you ROCK?  
P.S. My friend wants to know- which is creepier: black roses or thorns?

_Dear Thorn,_

_To become evil again, you need to use… (I feel a commercial coming on!)_

_PURE EVIL! The shampoo preferred by the world's most powerful princess! Being evil shouldn't compromise the beauty of your tresses! (Azula gives flashy smile)_

_Ok, moving on. _

_---If my friend was an Earthbender, I'd actually be delighted. I've got an Earthbender on my side! Just in case firebending somehow isn't enough. Initially, I'd be infuriated that they kept it a secret, but if they promise to still be my ally, I see no problems. _

_---Fav color: Red and black, as well as silver. _

_---Fav animal: Dragon, scorpion, snake_

_---Torture: Iron Maiden_

_---Fav Fire Nation City: Zu Khufu. It's situated in the far south of the Fire Nation. This is where the dense tropical jungles are, and this is where mongoose-lizards live naturally. (Remember my riding lizard in "The Chase"?) I was an exchange student here, and I lived with the Wa family. They were the breeders of these lizards and were also the people I purchased mine from. Zu Khufu is exotic and has fabulous natural fruits. I love it there. _

_---I really usually can't tell Lo and Li apart. That's why I force them to wear those nametags I made 'em. _

_--Ew. Momozula. And people call ME a weirdo. _

_---I know I rock. Thanks for the reminder. _

_---Black thorns are creepier._

Dear Princess Hot Head,  
Wow, you and I actually agree on something for once. I need to check and make sure that the earth is still round and Sokka still has his sarcasm. Lol, anyway, I agree that Suki might come back in that episode or, if not, the episode before it, which the producers just revealed a couple days ago. It shall be called 'The Painted Lady'. The title itself sounds very Sukish. Since you, yourself, believe that Suki shall return in one of those episodes, does that mean that you, Mai, and Ty Lee didn't kill off the Kyoshi warriors? Did you just capture them as hostages? Or send them to one of the Fire Nation's prisoner ships?  
Sincerely,  
Strix Moonwing

_Dear Stick,_

_I did not kill those girls. It's awkward to attack a naked person. (But they didn't stay naked. They carry extra dresses.) They were tied up and taken off by nearby Fire Nation soldiers that were stationed in the nearby village. I do not know what happened to them after that._

_A theory I have about the "Painted Lady" is that Jojo character from the cards. Does she wear makeup besides the lipstick?_

IROH: The painted lady, huh? I'd like to give HER some tea…

Dear Princess Azula,  
Thank you for calling me Queen, it makes me feel loved. But anyways, if the person who writes your show is the "Real Ty Lee" does that make your perky friend the fake Ty Lee? I was just wondering.. Also, cinnamon rules, except for cinnamon candles, I hate those things. When's your birthday, so that I may send you things from my wonderfully random empire!  
P.S. Tell Mai that the only way that Zuko would look at her is if she got a tan, learned to waterbend, cut her shiny hair, and wear blue. Oh and Mai, bite me.  
P.P.S Hi Ty Lee, I just haven't said hi to you yet! How many flips can you do in a row?

_Dear Queen,_

_Both the Real Ty Lee and my friend Ty Lee work on the transcript. The fact that the fake Ty Lee calls herself real is a joke, because technically we're not real but the author is, but in the terms of the show we are real and the author is fake although she's real in real life. _

_Got that?_

_My birthday is July 7, 1991. ( 7/ 7/ 91) Two lucky numbers in a row!_

_Mai says to go jump in a shark-infested pool dresses as a meatloaf. _

_Ty Lee can do six flips in a row. She also says, "HI LYKE HOW'RE U GIRLFWEND???"_

Dear Princess/Fire lady Azula, a.k.a. best character ever invented and seen by a living thing on this earth.  
Do you have feeling deep,deep down in you, even without your period? I'm not talking about feelings like anger, but love...and not the kind you have for White Destroyer. The kind you have for Ozai. Could you really ever bring yourself to actually end your brother's life? And what about your mom? And your grandfather?Did you really not care when they left or died? I mean...what did Ozai do to you? Give you specific instructions not love anyone but him and yourself?  
a question from an over-obsessive azula fan.  
P.S. you may have die hard fans,and cute little kid fans, but I am really an over-obsessive fan. This might scare you, but I doodled a picture of you shooting lightning at my English teacher. He was being a jerk. Is that OK?

_Dear OCD Me-Fan,_

_I could kill all three of those people, easy. Zuko's a wimp, Mom doesn't care about me, and grandfather and I never really talked. Father took the time to nurture my abilities and respected me on my own terms. No one else ever did that. No one. _

_Oh, and I find the fact that you drew me killing your teacher REALLY funny. _

Dear Physco/Weirdo,  
Okay, just thought I'd tell you, I think your dad is a Girlyman! I mean, look at his hair. That's just weird. Ty Lee, OMG U R LIK SO COOL!11! Yea, just felt kind of chatspeaky.  
Mai, your hair is overly shiny. What do you do? Paint it?

_Dear Bored,_

_I hope you know that dad just heard everything on my speaker phone._

_OZAI: You know, my wife called me a girly-man once. Then I knocked her up. Heh. _

_TY LEE: OMG U R COOL 2!!!111_

Oh, and Mai's hair is shiny because… (commercial again!)… she uses… PURE EVIL! The shampoo that gives your hair that gothic gloss! Don't go goth without it! 

Dear Azula.  
You are indeed a powerful opponent, but can you defeat the following. If so, please explain. If not, than explain as well. I'll place my personal opinion about whether or not you'd win.  
Slade(Teen Titans) You  
Voldemort (Harry Potter) You  
Naraku (Inuyasha) Him  
Wan-Shi-Tong (Avatar) Him  
Chuck Norris (Our World) No fight, Chuck Norris dominates  
Oh, and are you more evil that Vlad the Impaler\Vlad Dracula or Romania. His favorite pastime was impaling people he didn't like on rusty spears, but he enjoyed torturing people in other ways too. He also despised his brother.  
-Emissary of Knowledge.  
P.S. My all seeing eye knows everything.

_Dear Knowledge,_

_I can defeat all of them. Hello, I use Pure Evil. Well, maybe not Chuck Norris. That'd be one helluva fight. _

_P.S. Your all-seeing eye could use a contact lense. _

Dear Aluza,  
Sliced bread IS better then you! I can't belive I'm typing this but... Derrick's better then you(even though I hate him A LOT)! My friends and I refer to you as "The devil's sister". Maybe you're related to my psychotic cat, my kitty plays with his jingling toys WAY to much! Besides killing my cat and taking away his toys, what do I do to make him stop playing with the jingling toys? Also don't suggest that I kill myself because, that's NOT nice. Why do you want to execute Zuko SO badly? What did he do to you when you were younger?  
-Forever Comical  
P.S. Zuko's NOT a failure!  
P.S.S. I took a quiz and it said I'm a lot like Zuko.  
P.S.S.S. Tell Mai to stay away from Zuko!  
P.S.S.S.S. I see dead people and they want me to kill you...

_Dear Forever Comical,_

"_Devil's sister?" Girl, Zuko is HARDLY a devil. I've seen more sinister lunch ladies. _

_As for your cat, take the toys and remove the jingly-bells. Duh._

_I want to execute Zuko because he's an embarrassment to father and I. Really. _

_Mai says that she is NOT staying away from Zuko. Nice try, though. _

_As for the dead people… unless you wish to join them, keep your death wishes to yourself. _

ok i have another letter for azula

Dear Firebending Wannabe (again),   
Did u ever get coal for Christmas or presents? What did Zuko get? So r u really dating Zhao?

_Dear Wannabe,_

_I don't need presents. I have a position of power in my government. That's enough. _

_And I am not dating Zhao. I don't date dead animals. I'm dating the Destroyer. _

AZULA: I love you, Destroyer.

ZAPPER: I love you, Azula.

IROH: I love tea.

AZULA: I love ending these stupid episodes. Farewell!


	10. Chapter 10

IMPORTANT AUTHOR NOTE: Coming up next week on Ask Azula is…

------A visit (or rather forced appearance) by Prince Zuko!

------Mai experiments with a Ouija board!

------Zapper(White Destroyer) buys Azula a pregnancy test!

------The whole royal family has a sing-a-long!

Address your letters to either Azula or Zuko! (or both)

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

The setting for this show is Ty Lee's bedroom! It's a sleepover!

Azula's in a red nightgown, Ty Lee is in pink fuzzy pajamas with feet and a bunny hood, and Mai is in a black vampire twin set.

AZULA: Greetings all! Here we are, having a sleepover with Ty.

TY LEE: YAY! WHOOOO!

MAI: Sleeping in the same room with Azula doesn't seem safe. Believe me, people, the best part of waking up is NOT Folger's in your cup, it's knowing that Azula didn't kill you in your sleep.

AZULA: Shut up Mai! At least you don't wake up feeling nauseous like me!

TY LEE: You wake up feeling pukey? OMG AZULA! COULD YOU BE…

AZULA: I won't know for sure until Zapper returns with a pregnancy test.

TY LEE: OMG THE SUSPENSE! Azula's gonna be a mommy! Azula's gonna be a mommy!

MAI: That poor kid.

AZULA: Man, am I anxious. To get my mind off it, I'll answer some letters. Ty, make me some popcorn!

Dear Azula  
The Tentacle robots have taken Ty-lee! They are enjoying her! Please send help (or not)

From rylasasin

_Dear Sin,_

_The tentacle robots have taken your brain! They are enjoying it with a side of creamed corn! Please send them the bill!_

AZULA: Ew. Brain with corn… I don't feel good.

TY LEE: Popcorn?

AZULA: No. With the way I'm feeling, a bucket would be more useful.

Dear Princess Azula,  
Two questions this time, one of them for Mai.  
The one for you, Royal mistress of the Fire Nation: Is it possible to be too evil? I believe that to be impossible myself, but I'd like your opinion.  
For Mai: Have you been dropped on your head as a child? I was just wondering since I injured my head and lost all human emotions besides anger, boredom, and depression, and that's almost like you.  
From the Eternal Darkness  
Dark Rose  
P.S. My brother told me to drop dead, forget your advice, I'm dropping him into a vat of boiling water and will watch him suffer for half an hour before sending a bolt of lightning in with him.

_Dear Rose, _

_Hmm. Too evil? I guess too much of anything isn't good… but evil? Then again, they say that MONEY is the root of all evil, and there's no such thing as too much money… so there's no such thing as too much evil! Whoo! Can't argue with THAT logic!_

_Mai's reply: Don't know. Don't care. Although Tom-Tom managed to be stolen by a lemur… geez, my parents sure can be neglectful. Makes me wonder what ever DID happen to me. Well, whatever. Not like it matters now… not that I care… _

AZULA: Aw, geez… (pukes in bucket)

MAI: That was the popcorn.

AZULA: Whoops.

Very funny chapter! Here's my next letter.  
Dear Azula the Fire Empress of the World,  
Since your fire went from the usual red, orange and yellow to blue, will it eventually become white? You know, since it goes red-hot, blue-hot and white-hot? Think that'll happen?  
If you had a dragon for a pet, what would you name it?  
This is for Ty Lee: If you and Sokka got together, how many kids do you think you'll have?  
For Mai: Have you ever considered archery? I think you'd kick butt, along with throwing daggers.  
Azula, you are the best character there is. I have another gift for you! (Reveals a long-sleeved black dress with red and blue flames rising from the bottom and spiraling up the sleeves)  
Until next time, Fire Empress.  
Sapphire Wolf Master  
P.S.: You can call me Sapphire for short, if you want.

_Dear Sapphire,_

_---Technically, my lightening is white at the core. However, I'm training to see if I can make it turn some other color that's way hotter, like… invisible. _

_---I would name my dragon God-Freakin-Zilla. _

_Ty Lee's reply: Kids! (Squealing at the thought) Oh, a dozen at least!_

_---Oh! That's a gorgeous dress. I'll put it away so I don't puke on it. _

Dear girly fire lady wannabe,  
HA..my cousin was right you are a bitch..wait THE bitch.I have a question for ya.If you can control Ty Lee why can't ya control anng(AKA the avatar incase ya didnt know).I mean for an all powerful princess you are pretty weak...i mean you only got Ba Sing Se because your brother helped,AND the "water peasant" technically beat you so HA.oh and i heard from zapper you still watch barney like ZHAO and Ozie...tht must be a family thing thank god zuzu doesnt.  
ZUTARA ROCKS AND SO DOES THE F.N even if they're evil.  
ya bitch 4 life  
sapphire dragon1416

_Dear Dragon,_

_The avatar is not in front of me, thus I cannot verify if my control methods would even be working. Plus, Ty is more fun to control. TELL ME you didn't laugh when she fell into those hot Bagel Bites. _

_I do not watch those shows, nor does my family. Are you just bitter because your mom makes you watch the Wiggles?_

_Oh, and if you ever speak slanderously about my fiancé again, I shall have to hurt you._

MAI: She's not kidding. I called him a dunce, and she shaved my head.

Dear Princess Azula,  
Remember that captain that accidentally told Zuko that you where taking him prisoner in The Avatar State. What ever happened to him?

Sincerely Cromwell

_Dear Cromwell,_

_Let's just say that he had a tough time convincing the tides not to kill him. I won't elaborate on it any further, I'd rather let you brood about it. _

Dear Queen Azula  
I thought that I was the one for you. I gave you gifts and everything. I mean I could barely stand after our wild night together you sure got a lot of energy and know how to waste it.  
I hope your dad can still move after the beating I gave him. I didn't mean to take it over board at the AGNI.  
Love Your Future Husband Kai

_Dear Kai,_

_Woah woah woah. Hold the phone there, pal. White Destroyer "Zappie" claimed me first and also had the enormous privilege of copulating with me first. I don't know what you're talking about when you make references to this "wild night" we supposedly had. Were you jerking off while looking at my picture? (Perfectly understandable)_

_Um… and as I write this right now, my dad is in the other room, making s'mores with Ty Lee's mom. And he looks perfectly fine, except for his "Kiss The Cook" apron. _

Dear Azula,  
If your father really did turn against your grandfather to get the throne, would you do the same to your father to get to the throne quicker?  
From,  
Jasmine Dragon

_Dear Jasmine,_

_Gee, let's think. I backstabbed Zuko twice, I shot my uncle in the heart, and I laughed hysterically during my cousin's funeral. _

_Is this even a question? DUH!_

AZULA: Pukes again.

Dear Azula,  
Do you iSketch? It's really fun. You should try it. (My name is Avatarded there.)  
P.S. Tell Iroh thanks for the advice.  
Flow Rat Ava

_Dear Flow Rat,_

_I don't iSketch. However, iKill and iMaim, and sometimes iDominate. But today in particular, iPuke. _

_Iroh's response: Glad to help the young people. (Smile)_

My Love,  
I'm asking outright. Will you marry me? I wish to be with you forever, loving you, holding you, and helping you. Do you like magma or volcano flavored tea? I love you.  
Hoping for a yes,  
Your fiance White Destroyer  
P.S. I have invented a new form of the drug that lasts for 2 years instead of 24 hours.

_Oh! Hi Sweetie!_

_Of course I'll marry you. Get your butt over here and I'll even throw in a complimentary trip to my bedroom, and then to the shower, if you're a good boy. I like VOLCANO tea—I like the steady, spicy flavor, then the sudden burning burst of intensity. (Remind you of anything, hint hint) Bring the drug… and bring a can of whipped cream. I'll be waiting… in a rather fabulous dress that Kai got me. If I can stop puking._

Azula,  
If you and Zapper had kids, what would they look like?  
Ganthour

_Dear Ganthour,_

_So much for getting my mind off of pregnancy. I'm a princess, not a psychic. I'm guessing that Junior would have my hair and eyes, and have Zapper's facial structure. I'm also guessing that with good looks like that, the kid could stun someone. _

Dear Azula  
It has come to my attention that some people enjoy finding interesting ways to torture you. One of them involves a fireproof Britney Spears constantly singing while you're locked in an equally fireproof room. Could you survive?  
And don't, please don't, ask me how everything's fireproof.  
P.S. my all seeing eye sees everything you do Azula . . . and it's very afraid and disturbed.  
-Emissary of Knowledge

_Dear Knowledge,_

_Of course I could survive. Frankly, I don't see how it's torture to me. BRITNEY is the one locked in a room with ME. And who cares if she's fireproof? I'll just sink my nails into her neck and de-vein her. Problem solved._

_And I'm sure that your all-seeing eye is disturbed—especially if it was tuned into my room last night… when all I had was my fiance's picture and a banana… mmm yeah. I bet that all-seeing eye's gonna need an eye-patch soon. _

Dear Azula,  
Did your father love your mother? Or were they forced to get married?  
From MarryforLove

_Dear Marry for Love,_

_Are you kidding? It was arranged, my friend. But my father always loved my mother. _

To Princess Azula,

Why yes, I can indeed speak. It's just that I only use my extensive vocabulary to communicate with a selective few of the utmost importance, such as yourself. Anyway, thanks for your answer last time. For once at least, my friend and I were able to get a conclusive answer to one of our random disagreements. Proud to say that I, The Universe, was right. Of course a foot massage is a much better way to take advantage of Ty Lee and Mai. I mean, there are two of them even, each to a foot, right? It makes perfect sense. Keep up the great show though. Should I ever have another question, I'll be sure to ask.  
P.S. Now, with the return of Destroyer, my efforts towards courting you are now in vain. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that you'll never "become one with The Universe" as it's sometimes referred to. For the best I suppose. The age difference may have eventually become a problem. With you being 14, and myself being just a spec over 10 billion, things may not have worked out.  
Sincerely,  
The Universe

_Dear Universe,_

_As usual, you rock out loud. Don't feel bad about the relationship thing—I'll send you a free T-Shirt, how's that? In Size X(times 3 million) Large. _

Dear Aluza,  
About "The devil's sister" thing, my friends and I were talking about my sister being the devil. Did I tell you that I'm a girl? For all you know I could be a boy. Now the dead people are telling me to PAINFULLY kill you! How more sinis... WAIT A SECOND... Zuko is MORE sinister then some old weird lunch ladies... except for the ones that put food all over your plate which gets on your shirt/pants/etc... Anyways... Thanks for the advice about the cat toy issue! Now for some questions: How do you cook the pre-made pizza? How is Zuko an embarrassment to you and Ozai? Why will you lose against Chuck Norris? Who IS Chuck Norris? Are cats better then dogs? How would you feel if you died after reading all of these letters? How much have I annoyed you? How can you be less psychotic then my cat? Why won't you let Uncle Iroh free to make tea for people and himself? Do you want to kill Ozai? How can I torture someone? Why isn't it possible to fight Zuko in the Avatar game? Why weren't you in the Avatar game? Have I annoyed you yet? If so how much have I annoyed you? Lastly, what's the capital of Russia?  
-Forever Comical  
P.S. Are you annoyed yet?  
P.S.S. Why are you cheating on Momo?

_Dear Forever Comical,_

_The answer is Moscow. _

_NEXT LETTER!_

Dear the wonderful and all-powerful and almighty Fire Lady (or soon to be) Azula,  
My birthday's on July seventh too! WHE! BTW, i think you totally rock. how did you get your chakras all flowy? and how do you shoot lightening? because, i have a few . . (sits down, counting on fingers) . . okay maybe a lot of people that need to be taught a lesson. coughmybrothercough. Anyway you rule!  
PS this year we get triple luck, 07/07/07  
PPS my brother said i was eviler than you. i beat him up for it.  
PS ty lee, mai, you guys rock  
PS iroh, what's your favorite tea? mine's orange'n spice

_Dear Tophrulz,_

_Same birthday? Well, don't YOU feel honored! _

_Oh, and to shoot lightening, you split the energy in your body into positive and negative, then aim as they come crashing back together. That's it._

_It's great to have such dedicated fans!_

_Iroh's response: GINSENG! (foams and falls over) Oof! Was that over the top? I can never tell. _

Dear Azula,  
what do you plan on doing once you actually CAPTURE the Avatar? You can't really kill him because he'll just be reincarnated into the Water Peasants. Then again, if he's in the Avatar State when you kill him, the Avatar will 'cease to exist'. Just a tip.  
-Invaderk

_Dear Invaderk, _

_(Sigh) Your "tip" is exactly what I (tried) to do in the Season Finale. Thanks again for watching my big "I-Shanked-the Avatar" moment closely._

Dear Iroh  
I'm glad that the best firebender and person in the fire nation is on the set. I've just got to know, what's the best sort of tea? Where i come from sweet tea, ice tea and green tea are all the rage but i can't stand those blends. Any recomendations?  
Also, do you have any interesting, and by interesting i mean embarrassing, stories about azula or zuko's childhood?  
You're awesome  
hugs  
kitty demon  
ps Azula, go drown yourself, if you're intelligent to do taht much

_Dear Kitty,_

_Iroh's response: Oh, how sweet of you… but I'm not best person ever… oh, I'm blushing now. As for tea, I don't know if I can possibly say that one is better than the other! I mean, there's green tea and black tea and rooibos red tea and oblong tea… but ginseng tea is the best! Drink that! _

_Ooh! Embarrassing stories? I've got one! It involves Zuko, Azula, and a very bad 14-year old Lu Ten. That wicked son of mine managed to convince the two (they were about 2-3 years old) that Ozai's long hair concealed a demon. Then a week later we held a state dinner, inviting much of the aristocracy. It was a very upscale affair, you know, with about eleven different forks and spoons and all the royalty having to be dressed up. Lu Ten and I were dressed quite smartly in state robes and our crowns. Well, we're eating, and Ozai goes to scratch an itch on the back of his neck. To reach it, he sweeps his long hair forward. Zuko and Azula start shrieking, "DEMON! DEMON! DON'T LET IT OUT!" and pointing at Ozai. Everybody is shocked that Zuko and Azula would call their father a demon, and so everybody sits and stares. Ozai demands an explanation, and the little ones say, "Lu Ten said that you have a demon under your hair, papa." And the guests laugh hysterically. _

_If humiliation could kill, I'd have been a goner. To say that I went INSANE after dinner would not do the word " insane" much justice. It was one of the few times that I actually took a strap and gave Lu Ten a good thrashing. You probably won't see that particular flashback on the show. Not one of my better moments. _

Dear Azula,  
Hm, smexy, you and Destroyer. Okay a couple of questions. Where did Zapper come from? Destroyer-Zapper? I don't really see the connection.  
You said in a pervious answer to a letter that you could kill Zuko, your mom, and your grandfather easily, and then gave the reasons why. You said for Ursa that you could kill her because she hated you. So does that mean that you loved her when you were younger, but because she didn't like you, you were jealous of Zuko? -gasp- You're too cool to be jealous of Zuko!  
My birthday is five days after yours! But I wasn't born in the same year. Go July people!  
This one is for all three of you (you, Mai, Ty Lee)- what happened at the Royal Fire Academy? Good memories, bad ones? Just wondering.  
Destroyer- nice job. Totally evil enough for Azula, although I think she's eviller (is that a word?) than you are. Sorry, but it's true.  
Sincerely,  
SylverEyes

_Dear Eyes, _

"_Destroyer" is his REAL name. "Zapper" is his USER name. I use them interchangeably. _

_Oh, and I'm not jealous of Zuko in any way, shape, or form. I just resented being ignored. _

_Azula's school memories: I had the nicest suite in the whole place, and maids to wash and iron my uniform. Not bad at all. I was valedictorian each and every year, and I was in the School Government Association. (SGA) I was the president. Honestly, I had a blast at school—I was good at everything, the activities were fun, and once a week they'd take us a field trip to the city to go shopping and see the sights. We also got to visit governmental buildings, where the officials would teach us about how the country worked and other stuff like that. In our school, there were three routes of study you could take: government, military, or the humanities. I took government, along with Mai, and Ty Lee took humanities. _

_Mai's memories: School was okay. I was in the poetry club. I remember the day I met Azula. I was throwing rocks into the lake on the grounds, and she came up from the behind and said, "Not bad. You've got good aim. Next time we have gym, you should join my team. They all stink." And the rest is history. Whatever. _

_Ty's memories: School was great! I was a cheerleader! Azula was always pretty jealous of my flips. I remember she tried to copy me, but she fell and broke her ankle. Poor Azula starting crying; her foot was so swollen her shoe was tight, and I helped her hop inside. We were friends after that. _

Dear Azula, Ok thank you. Look for presents on the 7th or time around that time. You will find things, although I'm not telling you. Also, if you were ever to dye your hair, which I'm sure you wouldn't, what color would you want your hair to be.  
P.S. Tell Mai, SO I didn't asy you did I?  
P.P.S. Tell Ty Lee I'm like totally awesome, and can she teach me to do flips ( I can't even do a cartwheel..)

Queen of randomness

_Dear Queen, _

_I'd like my hair to be caramel blonde. I'd be the only person in the world with that hair color. It would freak people out. _

_Mai: Whatever._

_Ty: I'll teach you to do flips! It's FUN FUN FUN!_

Azula,  
I was wondering out of curiosity if you like licorice? Oh, and what instrument would be your favorite to play... and which one is your favorite to kill people with?  
Miss Mooshi

_Dear Mooshi, _

_I do like licorice. It's all black and twisted, like myself. As for instruments, my favorite instrument is the cymbal(s), and my favorite for killing is the Iron Maiden. _

AZULA: Man, do I feel like crap.

TY LEE: Have some s'mores! Then we can watch the all-night Care Bear marathon!

AZULA: Blleeeetch!!!!


	11. Chapter 11

TODAY'S SETTING: Zuko/Iroh's old apartment, which is being used as a temporary residence/hotel for the Royal Family of the F.N.

TODAY'S (unwilling) GUEST: Prince Zuko!

Everybody, including Zuko, is gathered around the couch, where a nauseous Azula is lying next to the mail bag.

_Mai and Ty Lee are playing with an old Ouija board. Zapper is eating buffalo wings. _

GHOST OF SOZIN: Hello, Zapper. I see you're eating buffalo wings. You know, after I took over the air temple, I slaughtered all the flying bisons and made REAL buffalo wings. Heh heh! Yes sir-ee! We called 'em "limited-edition buffalo wings", and we ate 'em at the Agni Kai Championship with blue-cheese dressing. Good times.

ZAPPER: Wow! I didn't know you enjoyed buffalo wings.

GHOST OF SOZIN: Heh heh! There's a lot you don't know, outsider!

OZAI: (Slaps Zapper on the back.) Outsider? Zapper is the fictional internet destroyer that allegedly knocked up my evil daughter! In MY book, that makes you family!

(They all laugh merrily and have a toast, congratulating themselves on being the kings of the world.)

AZULA: (Sick.) Not so loooooud.

ZUKO: (Sings loudly.) FIRE LORD, MY HEART BURNS FOR THEE!!!

OZAI: I always knew he was gay.

ZUKO: Dad, it's the National Anthem.

OZAI: I knew that.

AZULA: SHUT UP!

ZAPPER: Would you like to answer some letters, my poisonous blossom?

AZULA: (Burp.) Sure. Why not? It'll help pass the time until we get the results of my pregnancy test… as if I don't already know.

Dear Azula,  
What will you name a child that would be yours if Zapper comes back with a positive pregnancy test? Also, aren't you only 14, I checked the internet, but you know how unreliable that can be... Take care!  
Teh Queen of Randomness  
P.S. Ty Lee, I am ready to accept the task that has been put upon me...

Dear Queen, I will name my daughter Shiva, after Shiva the Destroyer. I can tell it'll be a girl because it hurts like a… female dog. Oh, and I'm 14. Yeah. It's great. Instead of going to the Sweetheart's Dance, I'll be sweating bullets in a maternity ward. Can't wait.

TY LEE: A task? What task?

AZULA: You want a task? Get over here and rub my feet.

Azula.  
I hate you more than anything. you are a wimp. you needed your brother's help to TRY and defeat aang. not to mention the dai li assisted u aswell. Oh yeah, Zuko is way cooler than you, b/c he actually cares about his family. including u, retard. oh, and your mother did not hate u, she had a heart, which is much diff than u or ur dad. you are ugly. what would you do if someone controlled u in sme way, and made you help the avatar?  
And how do you play Avatar: eSCAPE from the Spirit world?  
PS i m not one of zuko's fan girls.  
PSS Aang is awesome!  
PS KATAANG and MAIKO ROCK!

Dear 4eva, You seriously think I'm going to give you game advice after THAT string of insults? Go fly a kite.

ZUKO: She said I was cool! Cooler than you!

OZAI: Really? I think you suck, and I'm your FATHER.

ZUKO: What was that, father?

OZAI: You're the coolest thing ever!

ZUKO: Aw, dad! 3

Dear Princess Azula,

Are you taking applications for a new evil assistant? I'm just asking since I've torched my home village, there's absolutely NOTHING to do in this godforsaken, burnt-down crater. And if that isn't enough of an evil resume:  
Torched own hometown (already stated, but still).  
Boiled brother alive before killing him with the equivalant of a toaster in a tub full of water.  
Saved sister from bullies just to torture the little rat herself.  
Extorted money from Bill Gates (Not really evil, but is he gonna miss a couple million bucks?)  
Electrocuted at least 19 people she's seen reading "World Domination for Dummies. (Again, not evil, but do we really need those idiots messing things up for the rest of us?)  
A question for Zuzu: Have you ever considered reading this book I like to call "The dumba's guide to being an idiot"? That is, if you can even understand the pre-preschool ideals the book has to offer.  
From a crater in the ground filled with eternal darkness  
Dark Rose  
P.S. I never say anything like this, but I just injured my head again recently, so while the mushy feeling lasts, good luck with the whole possible-baby-on-the-way drama. If the kid comes out anything like you, the world will be a darker place, and in my opinion, darker is better.

Dear Rose, You've got an impressive resume, dear. Not bad. I'll expect you first thing tomorrow morning. Bring a notepad, paper, and one standard-size axe.

Zuko's response: Filthy peasant! I can certainly read! And in two different languages as well!

Dear Princess Azula,  
Unlike most letters I've read I'm actually asking for advice. My little brother isn't sure whether to ship Kataang or Zutara. How do I convince him to ship the later? Oh, and no threats please.

Dear Royal Buthead Prince Zuko,  
I know every fangirl and Zutarian in the universe is going to ask this but,HOW THE COULD YOU PICK YOUR SISTER WHOSE BEEN AFTER YOU FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS (Not that I hold it against you Azula) OVER YOUR UNCLE AND KATARA (who you obviously like)! Or are you planning something with your uncle and hurting innocent Katara was just necessary. If you wonder why I suspect this it's because before you betrayed Iroh (if you really did)he was trapped in the crystal catacomb and I doubt he could have gotten out on his own.

Sincerely,  
Kohroxmysox

P.S. Tell Destroyer and Ty Lee I say hi  
P.S.S. Tell Mai hi and that she doesn't stand a chance with Zuko.

Dear Sox, you can convince your brother using simple logic. Point out Aang's good deeds and benevolence towards humanity and ask him, doesn't Aang deserve happiness? (My personal opinion is NO---TIE HIM DOWN AND FORCE FEED HIM MEATLOAF, but…) Shouldn't he be with the person he loves? Ship Kataang! Go ahead! He can ship more than one ship! But point out Zuko's pussy tenancies and idiocy. What the hell has Zuko done for anyone? Hell, he won't even help himself! He deserves eternal punishment with Katara! Ship Zutara! SHIP ZUTARA!

Zuko's response: I have a duty to my country! To my father! That's more important then keeping some peasant happy! (I did feel sorry for her though.) And how dare you imply that I have something planned to betray father! As for Uncle… I don't want to talk about him!

Dear Prince Zuko,  
Does it bother you that you and Katara will never be together? Do you like caramel? Whats your favorite kind of ice cream? 

And Azula, instead of dying your hair caramel blonde (don't get me wrong, beautiful color) i think you would make red look beautiful. Oh and good luck with being pregnant. I you would make a great mom. Just go easy with the punishments. Childhood doesnt last all that long.  
Much Love,  
FloatingGoddess

Dear Goddess,

I thank you for the well-wishing, and I would look good with red hair. I'm bringin' sexy back.

Zuko: I'm going to marry a noble, well-mannered lady of the Fire Nation, as per my upbringing and social status. Katara can go marry another peasant, like she's supposed to. Oh, and I do like caramel, on top of chocolate chip mint ice cream.

MAI: Zuko… I'm a noble lady… from the F.N… hint hint marry ME…

ZUKO: Did anyone else hear that weird sound? Must've been the wind.

MAI: Sigh.

TY LEE: Mai! Mai! The Ouija board! It's glowing and vibrating and spelling out words!!

MAI: Really? Usually it only tells me to kill myself.

TY LEE: LOOK!

OUIJA BOARD: (Spells out) AZULA YOU ARE DESTINED TO GIVE BIRTH TO THE ANTI-CHRIST!

ZAPPER: A simple pink mark on the test strip would've sufficed.

OUIJA: FURTHERMORE, IT'LL HAPPEN ON ANTI-CHRISTMAS! HAVE A NICE DAY!

AZULA: I thought I was the Anti-Christ. (Suddenly starts sobbing.)

ZAPPER: There, there. Just think: when people put together their Anti-Christmas nativity sets, you'll be one of the figurines! And so will I! Cool!

AZULA: B-B-But…

ZAPPER: Ssh. C'mon, it's not so bad. With the drugs they've got nowadays, you won't even know you're in labor.

AZULA: But I'll probably end up having to give birth in an innkeeper's barn!

OZAI: The Anti-Christ, eh? You knocked her up good, son-in-law!

ZAPPER: Yeah. Guess I did.

AZULON: Gimme a high-five!

SOZIN: Have a shot, son, it's on me.

(They all laugh and toast each other. Again.)

AZULA: I feel like the butt of some man's perpetually repeating joke.

Dear Twit,  
Are your nails fake? Because I thought I saw some glue-ons! How did you feel when Katara cut of your hair! How come you can beat Zuko, but not Katara?!? Hmm?!?  
-danyan  
P.S. If you call me Dan again, I will be forced to kill you. I know where you live. coughearthkingdomcough  
P.S.S. Did I annoy you enough?  
P.S.S. Your name spelled backwards is Aluza. How do you feel being called a loser?

_Dear DANNY BOY,_

_I am HARDLY a loser—I'm giving birth to the freakin' ANTI-CHRIST! So you can go fk off!_

OZAI: Geez, Azula, you really can rant when you want to.

Hey zula,  
i did not technically slander ok its not my fault your fiance has a website called "my darling all powerful fire princess azula.FN" which has a little thing called"cute little things she does"...wait i'm not supposed ta tell ya that...umm forget all that.anyway hows life in ba sing sa?oh and did ya give iroh tea while he's in prison?  
Dear zuzu,  
what is your favorite shipping?

_Dear Dragon,_

_I'm actually aware of my fiance's website. It's charming, isn't it? Life in Ba-Sing-Se is a bit boring, but very lavish and comfortable. We're going to have to hurry and declare it as Fire Nation territory so that I can give birth to my baby on Fire Nation soil—this is a requirement for being royalty. Oh, and I gave Uncle tea… stone cold tea. I've got to keep him alive. _

_Zuko: I ship Aang x Katara, Ursa x Ozai, and Zuko x Home. (My OTP)_

OZAI: Aw. My son ships me with my wife. Well, anyway, those are good pairings, even if only two of them are actually going to happen.

ZUKO: What did you say, father?

OZAI: I said you're the best, son!

ZUKO: My daddy loves me! IN YOUR FACE FANDOM!

Princess Azula,  
First of all, you need a title that says something more along the lines of "I will stare at you and you will crumble into dust", rather than "I'm a fluffy pink princessy!" Anyway, have you realized that you are a sociopath-someone who can't love and doesn't feel guilt? (Same with your dad) Umm... might want to hide this one from Zapper... well, you can still, um, enjoy spending time...with him...as was demonstrated in an earlier episode... ahem moving on... Congrats on your engagement to zapper! minus the whole not-love-thing... and if you are pregnant, congratulations on that too! Anyway, can I help plan your wedding/baby shower? We can serve roast captive and chocolate milk, have burnt roses as decorations, and if you have a baby shower, give the baby little board books on world domination and how to be evil! Ahh, good times...  
P.S. Ty Lee, I love you. As a friend... E! Youre awesome!  
P.P.S. Mai, I love you too. Same as above. E! you're awesome too but in a more manic depressive way...  
P.P.P.S. Zuko, I love you too. E! youre...REALLY REALLY HOT! EAHHEIAHlksfd choke  
Oh and by the way, Zuko, you do know that Azula's totally using you, right? And that your dad's never gonna give you your honor back considering the whole sociopath thing... So basically she's going to betray you any minute now, and probably kill you.  
By the way, Azula, I'm usually more evil than this. I just ate a couple too many brownies... so you won't have a care bear themed wedding or anything. I think.

_Dear Lillie,_

_On the contrary, I want to have the title "princess". Instead of letting it define ME, I want to redefine the term. And I am aware that I am more or less a sociopath… but I enjoy consummating with Zapper._

_Yes, I'm pregnant, and as such you may design the wedding/baby shower. However, DO NOT make the mistake Ty Lee made in Episode One. You'll end up eating a string of lights. Ugly ones with Santa Claus heads on 'em. _

_TY LEE: I love you too, Lillie! I especially love your name!_

_MAI: Wow. Somebody actually knows I'm alive. I appreciate it, Lillie. _

_ZUKO: Well… ahem… thank you. ((Blush)) But why would father betray me? Father, you love me, right?_

OZAI: No.

ZUKO: What?

OZAI: I mean "yes". I really do love you in a very literal, real, and completely genuine, not-fake way.

ZUKO: Haha! See?

Dear Fire Empress Azula,  
I hope you are feeling better now. Hopefully things go okay for you and Destroyer. Congrats by the way!  
I'm glad you liked the dress, because I have something that goes along with it.  
(Reveals a golden crown with flames of many colors going around it with a ruby gem in the front center)  
Hope you like that, Fire Empress.  
And thanks for answering my question about the blue fire thing. As for invisible fire abilities, what do you think of the name "Phantom Flame"?  
Also, are you the only firebender to ever make blue fire? Maybe your dad has, but has anyone else ever done that?  
For Mai: I didn't get an answer to my question for you last time. Have you thought of taking archery along with your shuriken-throwing?  
For Ty Lee: A dozen children? Hope Sokka's up to that... Got any names in mind? As for your pressure point attacks, did you watch Naruto for that? Neji and Hinata both know where to hit their opponents, so I was wondering if that's where you got it from.  
Azula, before I end this, I have one more gift for you.  
(Reveals a gigantic dragon with emerald and gold scales with glowing red eyes)  
It's your new pet dragon, God-Freakin-Zilla! I've trained him to listen to your voice only. He breathes fire of many colors, so you'll like him. And he'll allow you to stand on his head, too.  
Have fun terrorizing the Avatar!  
I bid you farewell, Fire Empress.  
Sapphire Wolf Master

Dear Wolf,

Thanks for the well-wishing and thank you very much for the crown—it's beautiful. THANK YOU for God-freakin-zilla. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH. I love it!

Oh, and "Phantom Flame" is a very apt name indeed. I'll think I'll use that expression now. And no, I am not the only firebender to create blue fire. Iroh did that some years before me. It's rare, but not impossible.

MAI: Archery sounds okay, but I like shuriken-throwing way better. Just lift your sleeve and KA-CHING! Dead.

TY LEE: I don't know what Naruto is. Does it come with fries? As for a dozen children, I'm sure Sokka will be up to the task. GIGGLE!

OZAI: A dozen children? Pfft. If Ursa was still around, we'd have a dozen kids a year. Those ovaries of hers would have to get it into high gear with me around!

(Ozai, his father, and his grandfather laugh.)

ZUKO: Father! Is that entirely proper to say…?

AZULON: It's obvious Ozai at least got his superhuman fertility from me!

SOZIN: Which you got from me!

ZUKO: Grandfathers! Have some propriety!

ZAPPER: Have a beer!

(Big cheer)

Dear Queen Azula

Since Zapper claimed you he can also claim the bill for the gifts I sent you. (ten trillion for the diamond ring, one hundred thousand for the dress and ninety thousand for the lingere) Oh for for The rightfull Ruler Prince Zuko one hundred navel ships to help you take back your honor cause we all know you dad is a hard ass.

Love Kai

Dear Kai,

Uh… how about no?

ZUKO: I don't need your help! Father wants me back. He cares about me, thank you very much.

Dear Azula,

People like to match songs to your lives. What song would you put to your life?  
I have a question for Ty Lee. After I started obsessing with Avatar, my aura turned white. Does that have a significant meaning to it?  
Sincerely,  
SylverEyes

Dear Sylver,

I match the song "Maneater" by Nelly Furtado to my life.

TY LEE: A white aura indicates purity and peace on the positive side. Negatively, it can mean emptiness or lack of joy. So, positively, Avatar brings you happiness and positive feelings of joy. Negatively, you are suffering from Avatar Withdrawal Syndrome due to the appalling lack of episodes. Glad to help! GIGGLE!

SOZIN: "Maneater", eh?

OZAI: Hahahahahaha!

ZUKO: So improper.

Dear almighty,amazing and totlally awesome princess Azula,  
A couple of questions.1.How would you take it if you found out you were pregnant?2.How many kids will you have with Destroyer?  
3.If Ty-lee or Mai (though I don't think she would since she probably wouldn't care) how would you kill them?4.How do you plan on killing the Avatar and his gang?5.Do you think it is likely that Zuko will betray you and go and teach the Avatar firebending.  
sincereley,  
Kataang fan.  
P.S. Hope you don't find this questions annoying.  
P.S.S. Has your clothing/personal possessions ever caught fire while you were firebending? Rox

Dear Rox,

-----Already found out. And I guess I'm okay with it.

-----How many kids? That depends on how bad this childbirth stuff is gonna hurt. I'll decided from there.

-----They've been loyal friends---well somewhat loyal---and will therefore receive a proper beheading.

-----I'll kill the Avatar as quickly and efficiently as possible.

----Zuko betray me? Please. He hasn't even managed to pick up on the fact that Father hates his guts.

-----I accidentally lit Zappers underthings on fire while we… yeah…

DEAR Azula,

Since you have a relationship I bet your trying to show off since Tylee has a crush on someone that is already spoken for and Mai likes Zuko who looks like he doesn't have time for a relationship, wouldn't you help them. It's nice to be charitable but I probably expect you to be cruel and let them be jealous.

Dear Chain,

You are absolutely right! WE HAVE A WINNER!

(Meanwhile, the Firelords are having a sing-a-long in honor of Zapper)

ALL: For he's a jolly good fellow, For he's a jolly good fellow, For he's a jolly good fellow!!!!

AZULA: Until next time!

ZUKO: Farewell.

AZULA: Shut up.


	12. Chapter 12

Ask Azula: Chapter 12

Setting: At BSS, but at a rather nice restaurant.

AZULA: Hello, all. I really do apologize for the unexpected vacation. Well, actually, I don't. I have every right to take a vacation.

OZAI: As you can all see, my darling Azula is now a few months pregnant but is feeling much better.

AZULA: I agree. A relaxing vacation ridding the world of the infidels can really freshen you up.

MAI: Sigh. Nothing can freshen me up.

TY: (sprays her with Febreeze.) Weeeeeee!!!!

ZUKO: Heeeey! Stop that! You're getting that in my hair.

AZULA: Zuko's been growing out his hair and is REALLY protective of it. If you ask me, he should be watching out for more dangerous things, like his coughinevitablebetrayalcoughcough.

ZUKO: What?

AZULA: I'm in a merry mood. No, I didn't execute anyone. I'm just happy, is all. This pregnancy is really screwing me up. So I'll try to answer your letters with some degree of enthusiasm and politeness.

Thank God you lied! I would kinda miss it. . .

Super-awesome-opossum-firebending-prodigy-insanely-pretty-to-be-Fire Lady-Azula,

You are my favorite character. EVER. Hey, may I ask a favor? could you PLEASE kill Katara? she's little-miss-goody-two-shoes and I can't stand her. PLEASE. You know, I love your hair, outfit, evil-ness, Firebending, and crown. May I please be your official complimenter? I'll compliment you all day, and that will be my 9 to 5 job.  
I got you a present. -sholds up awesome scorpian- His name is Killer. (Not like the band, The Killers, but ya'know?) What's your favorite food? Maybe we can do lunch at a Mexican restaurant. (Mexican's my favorite, but we can still go somewhere else, if you want.) Anyway, can I be your best friend, or evil minion, or as I mentioned earlier, your official complimenter? Sorry, I'm wasting your time. . . You probably think I'm a total freak . . . Sorry. . .  
Not Worthy

_Dear Unworthy, you may be wasting my time, but at least you're a fan. Thanks for Killer. He'll be a fine first pet to my child. I'd love to do lunch—but no Hispanic foods. They make me throw up. (Pregnancy!!) Oh, and the positions for minion and friend are occupied. However, you may fill a position that no one has yet: You can be the person wiping the sweat off of my forehead when I'm giving birth. Maybe it will make you immortal or prevent cancer. _

_**As for Katara, if I don't kill her, the Maizu fangirls will. So be patient. **_

**Dear Azula,  
It still isn't working. Also, how much would I have to bribe you to kill/torture/burn/enslave a person? Now another series of questions! You know there are now Haruzula-ers, Bluezula-ers, and Sokzula (If you're reading this aloud, Ty Lee is probably preparing to kill any Sokzula-ers right now)? Do you find it disturbing about how random your shippings are?  
You know some people call you "Lala"? And are you going through moodswings yet?  
Thorn  
P.S. I learned how to knit and made you a scarf! Hope you don't mind the pink ribbons on the ends and the fact that I forgot the first "a" when I wrote your name there ;**

_**Dear Thorn: You don't have to pay me a dime to kill people. Honestly, have you been reading my letters or not?And I'm aware of all these asinine shippings. I mean, Haru? Sokka? ZUKO? Are these people HIGH? **_

_**And thanks for the scarf. Believe it or not, I think it's really pretty. **_

…_**.Holy crap. I just hit my kindness quotient. Any moment now I'll start shitting bunnies. **_

**dear azula **

if you could between chase young (from xiaolin showdown) naraku (from iunyasha) or gaara (from naruto) as you're second husband who would it be?  
the next question is for mai  
if you had the chance would you kill azula?  
and for ty-lee…i hate you  
p.s: azula and mai rock!

_**Dear Belkin: Naraku. Because our names sound cool together. Azula and Naraku. I don't like any of 'em, but if I have to choose…**_

_**MAI: Kill Azula? Sigh… It would be a boring battle. She'd massacre me. **_

_**TY LEE: Waaaaaaah!!!11one**_

**Dear Azula,**

I'm currently shocked that I'm writing you a letter with your right name! Anyways... I'm laughing at your Anti-Christ comment! It's SO funny! Anyways... again... Sorry, my brain went dead, it happens a lot these days. No wait, I'm NOT sorry! I'm just wondering, how easy is it to scare Zuko? Yes, I have taken up the hobby of scaring others for fun. Also, don't tell Zuko... or anyone... to shut up, it's not nice... wait a second... you're NEVER nice... I've predicted that you're eventually going to have a breakdown! When you do, I'm going to laugh. It's okay to have a breakdown. You do tend to zone out a lot, though... How can you hate someone's guts? I mean, guts are like your instenstines... Oh my god! I actually paid attention in Science!

-Forever Comical

P.S. FREE AT LAST!

_**Dear Temporarily Comical: ……………Oh, forgive me. I was too busy ZONING OUT! AND HAVING THE BREAKDOWN THAT YOU PREDICATED! YOU'RE SO SMART! Not. **_

_**And scaring Zuko is easy. But getting him to believe bogus crap is easier. See episode 2x20. **_

**This story is so awesome and funny! Keep up the good work!**

Dear Azula, Princess of the Fire Nation and most awsomest person the world,  
Congratulations on the baby! I got some presents for that adorable little Anti-Christ. (Hands Azula a pair of spiked baby booties, a skull pacifier, and a toy dragon) I was wondering How did you, Ty Lee, and Mai become friends? It doesn't seem that common for a perky ditz, a depressed goth, and a sadistic demon. (No offense) Does it bother you that your two best friends both have crushes on your arch-enemies?  
For Ty Lee: What do you use to get so perky? Sugar? Coffee? Speed? Whatever it is, you should give some to Mai. That oughtta perk her up a bit. By the way, what do light bulbs taste like? I'm going to put them in my brother's food tomorrow.  
Sincerely,  
UltimateBender77  
P.S. The toy dragon shoots real fire.

_**Dear Ultimate, Thank you for the gifts. The spiked booties will make fine first brass knuckles for my little one. Oh, and I became friends with Mai and Ty at school because the three of us were paired up in Field Day events. There are certain things you can't do together without becoming friends, and playing tug-o-war over a bed of hot coals is one of them. And they can crush on whomever they like. If they become a problem, I'll shoot 'em. **_

_**TY LEE: I'm high on all-natural, 100 organic LIFE!!!! And light bulbs… they kinda taste like… pain… **_

**Dear 'Luza,  
I hope you fall in a river and drown. A lot of people do. How do you feel about all of those people pairing you up with people? How do you feel about not being paired up at all? Freak.  
I'm good, with 'Danny Boy' but just to let you know, I'm not a fracking dude!  
danny girl  
P.S. Zuko's fangirl army will beat you up. I was the first to sign up. NYAAH! I hope you have an evil day. Thank you for your BEEP time.**

_**Dear Dan the Man,**_

_**We've only known that I'm the most hated character on Avatar since 3/17/06. Congratulations on escaping from whatever cave you were trapped in. **_

**Miss Never going 2 be Fire Lord(Lady),  
i took your wierd advice, and i flew that kite. it was fun... and it got entangled in the Avatar's air currents(he was practicing his bending). You are so wierd. You are 14, pregnant(obviously), have glued on white nails, you are a demon, are obsessive about your hair, and have a contortionist and a girl who paints her hair on everyday for friends. you are a psychopath.   
on the other hand, Mai, Zuko likes you.  
Ty Lee, i admire the way you put up with that demon with the black aura(Mai's is dark purple, like the night). it is inspirational!  
ZUKO. i dont think you are cool! you are foolish to believe that anyone in your family(except 4 your mom and uncle) care about you! Go ahead, ask your father if this is true! he will say of course not! HE IS LYING! HE IS A FILTHY LIAR! you and Katara will NEVER BE 2GETHER!**

_**Dear "Fannumba", are you by any chance related to the Boohbahs or the Teletubbies? Just wondering.**_

_**And are you friends with Dan from the previous letter? You both have a knack for stating things people have known since last spring. **_

_**MAI: Zuko likes me? (blush)**_

_**TY: It's all in a day's work, Fannie. **_

_**ZUKO: God, EVERYBODY is saying this in their letters to me! Could they be on to something? Naaah. **_

**Dear Princess Azula,  
You fucking rock! Have you ever heard of Durza the Shade.He's evil and loves torturing as well plus hes extremely cute in my oppinion but not as cute as Count Vladislaus Dragulia aka Count Dracula have you ever heard of him either?  
Sincerely,  
Blackrose**

_**Dear Rose, it seems that whenever a girl gets married people feel the need to ask her if she thinks so and so is cute or whatever. WTF?**_

**Dear Azula,   
Do you have any idea of what you're going to name your baby, and if so, what?  
Your's Truly,  
glz321**

_**Dear G-Person, **_

_**GIRL: Shiva, after Shiva the Destroyer**_

_**BOY: Ozai, after father. **_

**Dear Azula, Crown Princess of the Fire Nation,  
What is your position on the many rumours circulating about Mai and Ty Lee liking each other as in girlfriends?  
-Just Wondering**

_**Dear Wondering, I don't like to butt into other's sexual business, but if they're all over each other's nipples it's fine with me. At least they won't date Sokka. **_

_**MAI/TY LEE: (Make out.)**_

**Dear Azula,  
I need to ask a few simple questions. What kind of music would you listen to? You coul be the extremely cool person I pictured and listen to bands like Atreyu, Metallica, Korn, Slipknot, and Disturbed. Gotta love 'Dont Tread On Me', beautiful song. Perfect for those days you need to bash someone's head in. Anyways to the next one. Are you going to execute Zuko if the two of you return home? That makes the fanfiction I've been whipping up right on. He's so pathetic it's laughable. Infact I'll laugh now. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOSER! ZUKO IS A LOSER! Now to finish this up, I need to ask what you think of the concept that a person's chakra pools can overflow by an overabundance of attachemnts and emotions. Because that is the whole idea over my own character Keawn, The Black Dragon. He's a young man-losing his sanity as the story progresses-who basically is out for revenge on the Fire Nation, as he is the only survivor of a Fire-Tribe separate from the nation that was destroyed to expand their reign. I felt it was a good idea, albeit Im having troubles finding a way to start it, and figured if I were to make this why not ask the single most intelligent and powerful bender there is if it is a remotely descent idea?  
From-Colton, A big fan and a lowly inferior.  
P.S.-If it helps any, he gets his anus handed to him when he challenges you. You're the best, Im not about to change that.**

_**Dear K, I listen to and love all those bands you mentioned. You have good taste. But the greatest song of all time is "Thoughtless." I let its wonderful lyrics about revenge and rage lull me to sleep. And it's gratifying to see that someone else out there thinks Zuko is a loser. **_

_**As for the story, it's best to start the story in the middle of the action (place being destroyed) and followup with the military's celebration and explanation. It's always best to grab the reader's attention immediately. Or you can just grab them by their throat. Whichever is of greater appeal to you. **_

_**And I am aware that I am the best. No need to reassure me. **_

**Dear Azula,  
You are my favorite character. By the way if you let Zuko and Mai fall in love and get married, they will be out of your perfect hair for good. PLus they might escape with Uncle. Then you can chase all three of them!By the way did Zuko and Mai have a past freindship?  
Love,  
Your Number One Fan!!**

_**Dear #1 Fan, if you're my number 1 fan, why are you so damn concerned with Zuko and Mai's relationship? I'm not. Go ask them. **_

**Dear Princess Azula,  
First of all, Congratulations! I was thinking YOU were the Anti-Christ, but this kid's seriously gonna be evil. I didn't even think it could GET more evil than you. The plans for the baby shower and wedding are well underway. I'm wondering if, when you capture the Avatar, you could drain some of his blood? I'm thinking it would make great decoration and a wonderful display of your evil power. I mean, come on, killing a 12 year old kid, AND draining all his blood out to use as a trophy. And he's the Avatar. That's pretty evil. Unless you don't plan to kill him, but rather torture him incessantly. Then we could have him as a decoration, chained on the wall. Zuko can be next to him. Although if Mai's there she might go insane unless we make him shirtless. That might avoid an angry mob of fangirls. Yeah. Shirtless. Moving on! What are some of the things that you want as gifts for the baby shower and wedding? (you can basically order everybody to get you stuff, since you're princess and all, so might as well broadcast it on FN TV.)**

And if Zuko's still there, uhm, that whole chained-on-the-wall thing was a JOKE. Yeah. You'll just need to come early. With chains. For umm, the salad.

-Lillie

_**Dear Lil, I thank you for your sentiments, but your ideas for what to do with the Avatar, quite frankly, disturb me. I may be a sociopath, but I'm not a savage. **_

_**As for gifts for my child, I would appreciate a baby swing, rope, and doll. I want to teach her/him how to hang someone early. **_

**hey azula,  
hows life being pregnant?hope ya feel better soon so you can go back to tormenting aang.No offence...wait who am i kidding i want this to offend him...AANG YOU ARE SUCH A BIG BABY AND GET OVER KATARA SHES BETTER OFF WITH ZUKO...anyway i heard that you only feel this bad for the first 3 months and it doesnt feel as bad after.  
dear mai,  
i didnt know you used shuriken i thought it was stilletos from wht said.  
dear zuzu,  
how can u ship KATAANG!  
Tylee uhh...lay off the caffine  
PS whens the baby shower i'd love to come  
PSS you should get toph to be a guest**

zutara,taang,and TyLokka fan 4life  
sapphire dragon1416

_**Dear Dragon, Life being pregnant is pretty okay. I'm already getting myself signed up for one of those Lamaze classes. Good times. I'll muddle through somehow. **_

_**MAI: Shuriken shoot OUT OF stilettos. **_

_**ZUKO: Of course I ship Kataang. It keeps that homely peasant away from me. I'm saving myself for a good respectable lady. **_

_**TY LEE: I don't like coffee! I'm high on LIFE!**_

**Dear Prince Zuko,  
Hi, It's great to be writing this to you. My name is Dani. No, I'm not another rabid, fangirl (sorry), but you seem like a cool guy whom I might like to get to know. I like you for your personality. I feel like I can really relate to you, so I was hoping we could hang out some time if you're not to busy trying to capture Aang or freaking out. Also, I'm really not a supporter of any ships that include you. Why? Because no one deserves you. Any way to answer some questions of yours: No I am not ugly or stupid, Yes I have a life, I can be a bit manipulative and hot-headed, I am very pretty and smart (If I do say so myself), I love to write and draw, I like acting and horseback riding, I'm an animal lover, I like fire, and no I'm not a blonde (I'm a brunette).  
Well, at least consider it. I can be a little shy, but I think we could really relate.  
Yours?  
equinelover101**

Dear Royal Princess Azula,

Just mainly wanted to wish you luck with capturing the Avatar and all of your other ambitions, goals, and dreams. Congragulations on being pregnant.

Mai: What do you think of Jin, the girl who KISSED zuko? I'll help you murder her and Katara. That wasn't really a request. I want IN on the killing.  
Ty Lee: You are just like my bff! Not kidding! You guys could be twins! You rock!

Your humble servant,  
equinelover101

_**(ZUKO)Dear Equine, Haha. Father told me all about girls like you. I see right through your thinly-veiled attempt to take me on a date. You do sound very nice and pretty, but:**_

_**You're not from the Fire Nation. Instant no-no. **_

_**You're not nobility. **_

_**I'm not interested in dating right now. **_

_**I hate to be harsh like that, but it's true. Go find another nice peasant boy who likes horses and I'm sure you'll be very happy. **_

_**(AZULA) As if I need your luck. But thank you nonetheless. **_

_**(MAI) Nah, let 'em be. Zuko obviously doesn't like them. Jin… I think she died during a riot anyway. **_

_**(TY) AWWWW thanks!**_

**Dear Azula,  
Your an expert at taking bad comments and I think it's wrong becuase your great but can you give me any advice on getting back at bad people,I really need evil smarts right now.  
P.S. Congrats on the baby,are you ready for motherhood?**

_**Dear God, as for evil advice, I got one word for you: Livejournal. Take their embarrassing photos and trash them all over the net! **_

_**And I'm feeling really ready for this baby. Don't you worry. And if I turn out to feel not so ready, that's what nannies are for. And coat hangers. **_

**Dear Azula,  
Even though I'll be able to give you my thanks in person, I have to send a formal letter. And, as you'll probably know by the time you get this, I have a problem with Ty Lee, so I'll have probably near killed her by the time this letter is aired.  
Anyway, a question: If the opportunity presented itself, would you turn on your own family if it was in your best interest, say... If they were in the way of your domination of the world?  
Dark Rose.  
P.S. Seriously, if you didn't hide Ty Lee before I arrived, it was her own fault if she showed up. **

_**Dear Rose, did you take silly-willy pills this morning? OF COURSE I'd betray the whole lot of 'em. And I'd laugh as I did it. And don't hurt Ty Lee, or I shall have to hurt you. **_

**Dear Princess Azula,  
I have a way to get Aang. Send him a TV, and, when he opens it, make it play the part where Zuko and Katara are in the cave. He'll probably be scarred for the next few days. Then, when he's crying over it, go in, grab him, and give him to your father.  
From,  
StarDragon411**

_**Dear Star, thanks for the suggestion, but TVs kind of don't exist in our world. However, crossbows do!**_

**Dear Azula  
Does Ty Lee swing both ways? It would be cool to see her with Katara in bed. Why must you be a bitch and bully Ty Lee so much? Do you ever think Naruto manga ripped off Avatar since an Avatar rip-off Stu massacred a temple full of monks in Fire Country? Don't you think this is a anti-Fire Nation sentiment/Revenge from the manga writer?**

_**Dear Atlantis, Ty probably does swing both ways, but I'd lose a PROFOUND amount of respect for her if she went around with the peasant. As for the "manga", I'm a princess, not an encyclopedia. **_

**  
Dear Azula,  
Maneater? laughs Can you say, makes small children cry!? lol! Wait, you make adults cry. I'd be suprised if you never made Ozia cry. By the way, have you?  
What wold you do if your child turned out like, Ty lee? Just with out the ability to paralize people.  
By the way, Congradulations! Even if it is the anti-christ.  
To whoever just happens to be in the room: Hi!  
Oh and how do I get rid of my boyfriend as painlessly as possible? With out killing him.  
TeenAnimeOtaku**

_**Dear Otaku, I have never made father cry. Why would I do that? As for my child having powers like Ty Lee, I'd be very proud of her. I'd have her paralyze the Avatar so that I could pull down his pants and prop him up in front of a Spice Girls music video. **_

_**As for the boyfriend: Go to Google. Type in "rejection hotline". Go to the site. Get the number. Give it to him. Sit back and relax as your problems are solved. **_

**Dear Zuko,  
slaps him really hardWHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!your father is a complete BASTARD!he doesn't love you!why do you think he gave you that scar and banished you?!but you totally belong with katara!you to would be so cute together!but thats beside the point...anyhow hits him with a water whipCOME BACK TO YOUR SENSES FOOL!oh and, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR TOTALLY AWESOME UNCLE IROH?!**

Dear Azula,  
your dad and your grandfathers scare me, in a totally drunk kind of way right on giving bitrth to the anti-christ even though it kind of freaks me out.you do know that your kid is going to be more powerful than you?and is going to defeat all man-kind and you wont?  
sincerly,  
blueangel101

_**(ZUKO) Do NOT talk about my father like that and do NOT pretend like you know what you're talking about. And I don't appreciate how these crazy chicks think that they run my love life. I don't like Katara. Hear me? I. Don't. Like. Her. I'm still waiting for my perfect wife, and until then I am SINGLE AND LOVING IT. As for Uncle, I don't want to talk about him. **_

_**(AZULA) I'm cool with it. At least we'll be related. **_

**dear azula  
you do realize that if you're really pregnant at 14 there's a very high chance that you and your baby won't survive the birth, don't you?   
further more, if the baby does happen to survive, i have a team set up ready and able to take him or her away since growing up with you as a mother would be detrimental to the child's physical and mental health. though shiva is a cool name idea, we'll probably keep that  
hope you and zapper have a nice destructive wedding and may all of you burn  
sincerely  
kitty demon, spirit of chocolate chip cookies, mint and pocket lint  
ps tui and la are still mad at the fire nation for the whole death of the moon thing, better watch out next time you see some koi fish**

_**Dear Kitty, do you realize that if you talk to me like that again there's a very high chance you may die before you're much older? Set a FINGER on my baby and see what happens to you. (Azula is a protective mommy to the end!)**_

**My fiance,  
What do you think about a wedding under the comet? Lots of volcano flavored tea. What type of cake and food? Where do you want to go for the honeymoon?  
Can't wait for the wedding  
Love  
White Destroyer  
P.S. The 2 year control drug is now active in your brothers body. It's improved so I control him also. Is that ok?**

_**My love, a wedding under the comet would be splendid. Please make cinnamon-flavored anything, and take me to the moon. I love you love you long time. 3 :o3 3 LOLOMGBBQ**_

**Dear Fire Lady Azula,  
I have a bunch of questions for you so  
1.Have you ever heard the song Miss Murder by AFI because that song fits you to  
2.What is your favorite brand of clothing  
3.this one for Mai  
Have you ever just told Zuko you like him?  
4.This ones for Ty Lee  
Have you ever had a crush on Zuko  
ok those are all the questions i can think of today  
ps.Tell Ty Lee I say HEY  
ps.tell Mai i say Welcome**

_**Dear Wheaties, **_

_**Yes. 3 it. **_

_**Hollister. I'm rich. **_

_**No, I've never told Zuko how I feel… **_

_**No. He's too weird.**_

_**Ty Lee and Mai say hi!**_

AZULA: Til next time, inferiors!


	13. Chapter 13

AZULA: Hello, all. Azula here, with an announcement. The baby is not only kicking, but screaming from my womb.

BABY: Let me out of this ovarian Bastille! AAARRRRGGHH!!!

AZULA: OWW!

BABY: You cannot contain me for long, devil woman!

AZULA: It's only a…ow…matter of time before my precious child is delivered. Oooh! I'll look at letters until then!

Azula (oh please, your a villain, don't mess around with that "dear, so-and-so" crap)

Fine, so your wicked and cruel, we, as fans, get that much. And along for the ride are your rather impressive manipulation skills and strategic planning (which somehow, doesn't accomplish much on the avatar front). You possess, quite simply, all the potential of a great villain. With one pivotal thing lacking. In order to pull of the whole sadistic-prodigy-princess act, you need a visible motive. Serious motive (other than the euphoric triumph you feel when taking a life). Even your dim brother has motive, his "honor" and pride. Killers have motive, every last one of them. Without one, your just a deranged princess (which we know by now, is only half true). You obviously aren't doing this for your father, your far too selfish, aren't you? Is it to secure your position as heir? Yeah right, you would've killed Zuko earlier on if that was it. What is your motive, Azula?

Be sure to alert The Real Ty-Lee that I find her story exceedingly humorous. I just about died laughing (and don't even try a crack at that phrase, Azula).

Sincerely Questioning,  
Havocess

_**Havocess, (I won't "dear" you to death)**_

_**I'm honored—well, not really—at your analysis of my character. Although I disagree with the fact that you said that my (and I quote) **__rather impressive manipulation skills and strategic planning somehow, doesn't accomplish much on the avatar front. _

_**WTF?**__**Is taking over Ba Sing Se not good enough to be considered "accomplishing much"? Geez. I'd like to see YOU do better! **_

_**Oh, and my motive the throne. See "Zuko Alone". It has ALWAYS been my motivation. **_

_**Glad to have cleared that up for you.**_

BABY: RAAAAWWWR!!!

AZULA: Oww! Stop that right now!

Dear Empress of Humanity Azula,  
How is it that even though you are the greatest evil person ever that there are still people to go against you? If you are too busy to destroy them yourself I shall do it for you on your command.  
sincerely Your Loyal Servant.

_**Dear Loyal Servant,**_

_**In the advanced stages of pregnancy, as well as being the Head of State in Ba Sing Se, one finds little time to go on a fun-filled adventure killing opponents. It goes without saying that I have NO time. Feel free to kill 'em yourself; don't expect any hearty congratulations when you do, however. That's why I have servants. **_

Dear Goddess Azula:  
You are so awesome! I admire you! Can you teach me how to be so clever and mean as you? I would really appreciate it!! But, my friend says that you are stupid and ugly. Obviously, she doesn't know what is she talking about. You are so cool!  
Your unknown number fan, Sekhet Chione

_Dear Sekhet, (nice name)_

_Awww. Are you another member of that fan club I have? I LOVE those little youngsters! But I'm afraid that I can't tell you how to be as clever and mean as me. I didn't get to be Queen of All Humanity by giving away all my secrets, did I?_

BABY: (kicks)

AZULA: Dammitt!!!!

Dear Azula,  
Does it bother you that you don't show up in more episodes? I think you are inexplicably evil and you rock. My little sister is really me off how should i go about torturing her? how many people do you kill a day? And you really should make a band with Ty Lee and Mai.  
Tell Mai that she rocks and that she should ask Zuko out  
and tell Ty Lee that she rocks and ask her how she can balance on her fingers  
Azula you kick ! Love FMA

_Dear FMA,_

_Meh. I don't mind the lack of airtime. The time I spend, whenever I turn up, is pretty great in my opinion. _

_TO TORTURE SOMEONE "REAL GOOD" :_

_Take their I Pod. _

_Put it in a plastic Easter egg._

_Go to a concert where there will be insane moshing._

_Tell her that her I Pod is in the egg._

_Throw it into the mosh pit. _

_LAUGH. _

_MAI: I'm planning…to ask… someday…_

_TY LEE: It's easy! All you gotta do is close your eyes, and then a miracle occurs!_

Dear ZuZu,  
Tsk, tsk.Really you shouldn't have said no!Now I am blessed witth the joys of annoying you and messing with your mind! Haha, to you!You only think you know me. Sigh, I thought you were different but I guess you aren't. I thgought maybe you would understand, but you already think you know me- just like everyone else! So if you won't hang out face to face (It wasn't a date stupid! I'm not into dating either! haha, point!) I'll talk to you on here! Okay random questions starting now! (note: answers next to q's are MY answeres!)

Fav color? Blood red  
Fav food? Sushi  
Fav band? The Fray, Fall out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Evanescence!  
Um...proffesion if you don't get the crown (if any)?  
Me, ACTING!  
If you were a cookie what would you be? Haha! Gingersnap!  
Well I can't really think of anything to say...You write to me now instead okay? We can be angst pals or something? I know! I can be a supremely annoying friend to you!  
Yours even when your dad and azula betray you then have you executed (HINT!),  
Danielle (PS: I'm not FN cause I live in the USA, not my fault. My fav nation is FN. It it my fault I'm not nobility? Geez. Your banished! After all thisa insulting will you teach me to firebend? PLEASE! (puppy dog look))

Azula:Baby gifts?  
Mai: Favorite Evanescence song? Have you heard sweet sacrifice?  
Ty Lee: Stay cool!

-Dani

_Dear "Dani",_

_Where, may I ask, have manners gone this summer? But I'm pleased to see that you do not have dating on your mind. Oh, and about your questions:_

_Fav Color Royal Blue, Black_

_Fav Food Fire Flakes_

_Fav Band Huh?_

_Profession If I really couldn't be a prince, I'd be involved in the government some other way. _

_Cookie I think I'd be a gingersnap too…_

_It's not your fault if you're not nobility. It's just a fact. Like your gender. And ex-nay on the bending lessons. I have other things I must attend to._

_AZULA: If you want… Daddy's already bought me a truck load. _

_MAI: Of COURSE I know Evanescence…and my favorite is Tourniquet. _

_TY LEE: I'm trying to stay cool… but it's so hot here…_

Dear Princess Azula,  
I have to ask this: what is going on between you and your mother? She seems to think you're psychotic or something (Actually, a lot of people do) but I think you take after your father personality-wise. Where is Ursa anyway? Did she just run away to the Earth Kingdom or something?  
Anyway, are you stronger than your father in Firebending? I've never seen him do lightning before.  
Who do you like more? Ty Lee or Mai? Who do you think is stronger?

LoveStarDragon

_Dear Dragon,_

_You THINK I take after my father? What more will it take to convince you? Do I have to grow a penis? As for Mother, that's classified information. Let's just say she's at least getting exercise on the run. And, like most people, she's terrified of me. Although when I was younger, she was a lot braver and I often got spanked. _

_I cannot say if I am better than Father. I've never battled him. I've never seen him do lightening either. I don't really hang out with the guy. I don't know much about him except that is DEFINITELY my father. _

_And I must say that I have quite an attachment to Mai. As for strength, the two are pretty equally matched. _

Dear prego,  
Who is the father? I haven't been checking up on it this often.I will be nice to you since you are prenate.Anyway I m back since i haven't talked to you in a while. What is your favorite drink? Can you show me that firebending move you used where you made lightining?Did you use the force when you took Zuko over to the dark side?Hey mai do you think you could win Zuko over if he hated you guts?Not that he does,that it ty lee.Too bubbly and too much crack.Hey Zuko have you ever thought of coming to live with people from a diffrent dimension.It is so much cooler over here I suggest you come before someone like your father wants to have sweet hot buttsex with you. Anyway I have to go now.

The awesome pirate ninja who loves dr.pepper and hates haters ,Princess Sakura uchiha-Uzamaki

_Dear Princess,_

_How dare you call me prego. That's a tomato sauce company, not my name. And since you must know, the father of my baby is White Destroyer, who is featured in several previous episodes._

_--My favorite drink is Roku Island Tea. FABULOUS, hot or iced. _

_--I can't see over my belly, so I'll take that as a no on the lightening-demo. _

_--I can't use "the force". This is Avatar: The Last Airbender, not Luke: The Last Jedi-bender. _

_--MAI: I can try to win him over. I'm so boring and anti-fun that I'm sure he'll fall for me immediately. We're kindred spirits. _

_--TY LEE: I do NOT do crack! I'm just happy!_

_--ZUKO: Come to a different dimen…before my fa…huwhaaaaaat???_

_Whew, that was a lot of questions for one letter. You people are gonna give me contractions. _

BABY: I'll give YOU a contraction! HI-YAH!

AZULA: Owww!

Dear Azula,

When you become fire lady,what will be your first decree?

P.S. In chapter 12 you said in one of your answers that if your baby had powers like Ty-Lee you'd have them paralyzee the avatar and then you would pull his pants down and prop him up in front of a Spice Girl video.Why?

Love Unending Flames

_Dear Flames, _

_My first decree shall be: No citizen, under any circumstances, is to send idiotic letters to Her Eminence. _

_As for the Spice Girl thing… if he's paralyzed, he can't escape the terrible cheesy music. Duh. And he can't pull up his pants to hide his Care Bear underpants. _

Dear Azula.

I love your show. Way to tell people like it is! You never beat around the bush, do you? Anyway, good luck with your birth!!

This question is for Zuko (if you haven't executed him yet)

You said you paired Kataang, dear Zuko. Does that mean you have your eye on Sokka or something?  
You can deny it all you want, Zuko, but we fans all know you swing THAT way.

(Holds up a videotape of Zuko's love confession to Sokka)

I HAVE COPIES! (gives one to Azula, via letter)I recommend not to watch that. Just post it in front of Zuko so he'll (smirk) remember.  
Kitsune-onna

_Dear Kitsune,_

_Thank you for the well-wishing. I usually don't diss myself, but I think I'm going to need as much well-wishing as possible. (Groans and pats huge belly) And this movie is hysterical. If I need something to cheer me during the 15__th__ hour of labor, I will watch this. _

_ZUKO: Are you high? I am not gay. And any idiot with a second-grade education can see that the person playing me in that awful video of yours is 300 pounds and is wearing a wig. How dare you portray me in such a fashion. I shall prove that I am straight! You just wait for Season Three. I will fall in love with a girl and maybe even kiss her, if it's proper. You just wait! _

Dear Azula,  
How would you react if you actually gave birth to Christ?  
Sincereley,  
firefan

_Dear Firefan, _

_I would die of the irony. Of course on the Death Certificate they'd have to say I died giving birth, but really, I'd die of the irony. _

_How sad that would be. AZULA: 1991-2007. Died at age 15. CAUSE: Childbirth, but also irony. _

Dear great and powerful Azula,  
You are so cool! I love Zutara and I hope you do away with those two unworthy sidekicks and your ugly, stupid brother soon

From, Azulafan360  
P.s. Do you like Taang too?

_Dear Fan, _

_Um… I agree with everything you wrote, so I don't have anything sarcastic to write back. Except for Taang. It sucks. _

dear azula

it's me again. i forgot to tell you that metallica's song master of puppets reminds me of you. and you ever heard of you and the avatar dating? i don't like that pairing, personal i like you with naraku or zapper better. congartes on the baby by the way.if you need a godfather, i'm at you're call, i'll teach him or her what it really means to be evil

dear zuko

you looked cool in you're amour and ponytail, now you look like a panze.

dear ty-lee

i have put rat posion in you're food. so chow down and die!

From belkin16

_Dear 16, _

_I'm. Not. Dating. The. Avatar. What an idiotic pairing._

_ZUKO: Hmmph. Sticks and stones, my friend. Sticks and stones. _

_TY LEE: Eeeeeeew. You're mean._

I missed your funniness! But now you're back, so it's all good. My letter is as follows:

Dear Azula,  
First off, I hope you had a good vacation. If you don't mind me asking, where did you go, and what did you do there?  
It's really annoying me how people's questions seem to only be about pairings. Everyone has better things to do, you know! I don't watch the show because I'm hoping that so-and-so will make out.  
Is there anything that you and Zuko actually agree on?  
Ty Lee: thank you for the advice on my aura, but I think I have a serious problem. My aura was white before, but now it's turning a grayish color and sort of wilting. Help, please?  
Mai, when did you first realize your love of throwing knives and such?  
Sincerely,  
SylverEyes

_Dear Silver,_

_--It's none of your damn beeswax where I was, but if you must know, I was in Hawaii, getting my belly massaged. It felt pretty good, until the baby kicked the masseur in the face. _

_--I'm glad you don't give a shit about pairings. Neither do I. _

_--Me and Zuko agree that broccoli is very good for your colon. Other than that I don't know._

_--TY LEE: Oh no! It's gray and wilting? That means you need mental stimulation, quick! If you don't, you may turn into Mai, and be boring and miserable! Read a book!_

_--MAI: I spent a lonely afternoon, throwing knives at my wall. And I realized I wasn't half bad. So I kept doing it, and got really good. And…yeah. That was when I was like, eight. _

Dear Azula,

Ehmagawd! I love hollister 2! It's awesome! Everybody who's anybody wears Hollister and now that I know your fav. brand is Hollister I'll refuse to wear anythng else! Are there any other brands that you like? Maybe Volcom, Roxy, DKNY, Ralph Lauren, American Eagle, Emerica, Miss Sixty, or anything else?  
Another thing, we all know why you're really chasing Aang. (wink wink) how would you feel if I got him to show up at your wedding? Oh, and Zuko, since you'll be there I'll get Katara to go too. And Zuko coughuncleirohcough just to coughuncleirohcough annoy you for coughuncleirohcough betraying uncle Iroh, here's something for you: uncle Iroh uncle Iroh uncle Iroh... (two hours later)...uncle Iroh! okay I'm done.

Sox

P.S. thanks for the new name Azula!

_Dear Sox,_

_All those brands are great, but they unfortunately don't carry maternity clothes. Da-da-DUM. And if you try to fuck up my wedding, I'll cut off your tongue and feed it to a dog. _

_ZUKO: Hmmmpf! You're just jealous of me. _

Hey, Princess.

Yeah so Lillie and I are going to end up working on a website for you thats going to be called "Azula's Baby Shower". Or if shes not still up for it, I'll do it on my own. Anyway, when its finished, I'll send you the link. Or if you don't want a website, please let me know quickly so I don't waste my time.

Love with Cherrys,  
FloatingGoddess

_Dear Goddess, _

_You have my permission to make a website. I'd love to see it. Sounds AWESOME. _

AZULA: Goodbye, all. Say goodbye, baby.

BABY: (from inside Azula) Die, infidels!


End file.
